I Made a List of Liberal Leaders and It’s Not Just Their Policies That Are Hot

Justin Trudeau

My friends keep saying “Oh, you liberals are so into your policies. You realize most people don’t pay attention to that don’t you?” and I’m all like – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I’m a liberal because of the policies AND because of all the hot guys who are liberal enough not to mind the gays forming fan clubs in their honor.

With that in mind, here are my current favorite #LiberalHotties:

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

He’s my leading liberal man crush. Nothing says “freedom of the individual” more than his middle class tax breaks and his middle class breakdancing. Forget his inability to scrap a $15 billion Saudi arms deal and sneak a look at the guy’s actual arms. That’s a gun show worthy of a trade exhibition of its own. I’ve gone all Trudeau-eyed for him. #YesHeCanada

French President Emmanuel Macron

Emmanuel Macron

I would totally let him Eiffel Tower above me and pop my champagne cork because he would give me the freedom to choose this. This guy is so good at parties that he set up his own. He was always going to win the French presidency and he’s been on my favorites list for a while. Forget his banking background – he is totally worth investing in. #FrenchKiss

Netherlands Green Party Leader Jesse Klaver

I know what you’re thinking – he’s a Green and not a “proper” liberal – but social liberals get on my list when they are as socially acceptable to introduce to your friends as this guy. He increased the Greens’ number of seats four-fold in their elections earlier this year. I should totally meet him in a bar and ask him to show me around his environment after a little #DutchCourage.

Chairman of Germany’s FDP Christian Lindner

This guy is hotter than a mutually-run social enterprise. With a Daniel Craig-style haircut and a smile that almost breaks John Stewart Mill’s “harm principle,” this guy’s party used to share power with Angela Merkel. I’m glad he’s not hanging around with Merkel anymore because I don’t want to share him with anyone. #GermanSausage

Denmark’s Deputy Prime Minister Morten Østergaard

Morten-Østergaard

He’s the leader of the Social Liberal Party and holy free expression – he’s got the most adorable curls in his hair. He may be a former taxation minister but there is nothing taxing about what this liberal does to my eyes. I would seriously build a house out of Legos and wait for this Viking to invade my poorly constructed abode. #VikingOfMyHeart

 

 




Lloydie

Author: Lloydie

Lloydie is a writer and improviser in Nottingham UK. He trained in sketch and satire at The Second City. He got his training in improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York and The Annoyance and iO Theatres in Chicago. Lloydie writes freelance contributions to a variety of satirical websites as well as sketches and short plays, which have been performed across the UK, including at the Edinburgh Fringe. He performs regularly with the award-winning improv group The Maydays in London and with musical improv team Rhymes Against Humanity which he co-founded in Nottingham.

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