1. Bible Study
One of Mike’s biggest regrets is that the demands of his career have gotten in the way of his Bible study time. Also, one of his biggest frustrations is that he has never been able to supplant the pastor’s son as leader of his Bible study class. Such nepotism! However, both of these problems will be things of the past once Mike is safely behind bars. Mike is already daydreaming about lounging around all day idly thumbing through Leviticus, and since there is no hierarchy in prison (or so he’s heard), there will be plenty of opportunity for a true Jesus freak like Mike to rise to the top of the Bible study class in no time!
2. The Showers
Mike has never been able to figure out why the idea of showering with a bunch of guys has always piqued his interest. When he was governor, every time he sold off another jail to a private prison company, Mike made sure to get a complete briefing about the facilities with a particular focus on the shower layout. Mike is certainly looking forward to getting an up close and personal look at the prison shower system.
3. No More Having to Think About Matryoshka Dolls
You’ve seen those Russian dolls, right? The exquisitely crafted nesting dolls that are a signature Russian craft. Who doesn’t love those? Oh yeah, Mike doesn’t. There’s something about a doll being inside a doll that’s inside of another doll that just makes Mike’s skin crawl. And the real problem is that ever since this Trump-Russia scandal started dominating the news, the only thing that Mike can think about is the Matryoshkas. A reporter says the word Russia? Mike glazes over and starts babbling incoherent combinations of words because his mind is consumed with thoughts of those little symbols of sin. Even at night, when he slips on his sleeping mask, the Matryoshkas dance across his subconscious and haunt his dreams. Thank God that when he’s finally in the hole Mike will never have to hear the word Russia again. And he will finally be rid of those cursed dolls.
4. The Food
Mike has heard mixed reviews about prison food, but he’s sure of one thing: Nothing can be worse than having to choke down Mother’s meatloaf every Tuesday night. No amount of ketchup can make Mother’s meatloaf palatable, but still, she persists. Every Tuesday night, there it is. Just sitting on Mike’s plate practically mocking him. Once he’s in the slammer, though, all of that will change. No more meatloaf. What a blessing!
5. No More Worries About the Parade of Promiscuous Females Trying to Sabotage His Sacred Wedding Vows
Everyone has heard about the lengths Mike goes to to uphold his commitments to Mother and Jesus. Say what you will about the vice president, you have to respect his relentless fidelity. For example, who can forget that time Mike got caught in a real pickle at his annual doctor’s visit? There he was, sitting on the cold, steel examining table in his undies waiting for his very heterosexual male doctor, when the nurse poked her head in and said, “Hello, Mr. Pence! Dr. White is out sick today so our physician’s assistant, Jennifer, will be seeing you.” In a state of panic, Mike threw on his clothes and scampered out of the third-floor window before that saucy wench Jennifer, who also happens to be a happily married mother of three, could walk through the door and recreate a scene from one of those pornographic videos that Mikey has read about, but never actually seen.
Luckily, Mike also has lizard hands, so he was able to make his way down the side of the building without getting hurt. That was certainly a close one, but it was all too familiar for Mike. You see, Mike is used to women of ill repute constantly throwing themselves at him. It happens almost every day. The harlots masquerading as grandmothers, co-workers, police officers, or school teachers are constantly trying to ambush him at so-called work lunches or traffic stops or parent-teacher conferences. Only Mike’s vigilance has foiled their brazen plots to take a ride on the Pence penis. Animal magnetism is a cross Mike bears, but soon, when he’s locked away from anyone with a vagina, he will finally be able to let his guard down and just live.