The North American Field Guide to Spotting the Elusive Mike Pence

Mike Pence Hiding

Hello avid, politically-savvy naturalists! We’ve been receiving lots of requests for how to spot the increasingly rare Mike Pence. The “Pencer” is an erratic, barely evolved creature to be sure and if you haven’t seen it, well, you’re not alone. While there was once a time you could easily spot one, currently, you’re going to have to be a lot more persistent.

To help familiarize you with this creature, please read this short refresher. We pray that it may make finding the Mike Pence a little easier.

Mike Pence 

Doofiscus Inbredicus

Spotting Overview

Coloring: White with a white plumage. It often wears a dark suit to help compensate for the hideous amount of white.

Gait: Walks on hind legs but is more comfortable dragging its knuckles.

Mating Habits: It mates with one female for life which it calls “Mother,” which creeps everyone out – even the female.

Habitat

The Mike Pence prefers to remain out of the spotlight and allows other noisier creatures to dominant the landscape. If, for example, you’re looking at a picture of a white building that’s known for having a lot of creatures that are crapping all over the building and the institutions that the building represents, you won’t find the Mike Pence anywhere near it. So don’t bother trying.

Here are some better places to start your gazing:

The Offices of the U.S. Geological Survey Agency

If you were to find yourself here you might find the Mike Pence pecking away at the phrase “twin peaks” on all the maps.

The San Fernando Valley

Many things that trouble the Mike Pence are found in this valley, so you might spot him there, squawking at men and women and all the various combinations of those two creatures.

The Statue of Liberty

The Mike Pence is troubled by the fact that a single woman is in charge of welcoming people to America and is doing its best to find Lady Liberty a mate before her wanton appearance (bare shoulder) and kinky nature (blindfold) ruins America completely.

Women’s Colleges

The Pencer doesn’t have much use for women’s education if it involves something other than a broom and bucket. Therefore, Mike Pence flits about women’s colleges trying to spread an important message: you don’t need an education to be a wife.

Special Prosecutor’s Office

This is one place the Mike Pence hopes to never make part of his migration. But if you do spot him there you’re bound to learn something fascinating about this creature: it can sing.

 

 




Chaco Daniel

Author: Chaco Daniel

Chaco Daniel is a San Francisco-based writer and his first name is usually a great conversation starter. Follow him on Twitter @chacod.

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