President Donald Trump
The Mar-a-Lago Club
1100 South Ocean Boulevard
Palm Beach, Florida 33480
March 16, 2018
Dear Mr. President:
James of Indiana State University here, writing you from Mexico: America’s dirty undercarriage. First and foremost, I want you to know that I’m your biggest fan. You once gave me double-barreled thumbs up at one of your rallies in Ohio. I was there with five of my fellow lacrosse teammates. We were the ones in the tenth row wearing the red, white, and blue “Drain the Swamp” tank tops. I got the “Lock her up” chant started. Good times!
Since then you’ve showed everyone who’s boss, and I’m 100% behind that. You shut down all those snowflakes whining about Russia – anyone who didn’t hear the sincerity in your voice when you and Putin issued a joint statement saying you didn’t work together to rig the election would have to be a Commie. Plus, you are the person we needed to stand up to the media and clear out all that fake news B.S. You spoke nothing but truth when you said that the libtards at CNN and MSNBC weren’t protected under the First Amendment because the junk they spewed was more obscenity than speech. It takes a strong man like you to make America great again! In fact, it was my confidence in your strength that convinced me to round up the same five teammates that went to your rally and book a last-minute spring break vacation – one to celebrate America’s coming victories.
I’m also completely behind your most recent move to shut down the border between America and Mexico. Mexico has been a drain on our society for far too long. Everyone knows that illegal immigrants steal our jobs, sell drugs to our kids, and rape our women – probably all three for some of these scumbags. When you banned travel out of Mexico into the United States Friday night, you better believe that we woke up the whole damn Casa de Vecino Hotel with chants of U-S-A, U-S-A!
I also understand why it had to be a complete shutdown. Just like you said, if you gave Mexicans the heads-up, they would have scurried across that border like cucarachas. But the thing is, a few of us good Americans, like me and my teammates, got stuck on the wrong side of the wall. We’re still at the Vecino, but as you would expect from these people, the greedy bastards pulled the all-inclusive food and drinks right out from under us as soon as our reservation was up.
I know you’re doing what is best for our country, and we’ve got to make sacrifices. But, I was wondering if you couldn’t pull some strings and get me and my teammates out of here? I understand that you can’t make it public – a strong presence is the most important thing. But maybe you could call our travel agent for us and make her get us on a flight to the Virgin Islands, or somewhere else nice and all-inclusive, until this all blows over and we can go home.
Our midfielder, Dave, called her Saturday, but she just lectured him about how the only reason the trip was inexpensive because of the risk involved, and how we’d waived any liability. Women just don’t understand what it’s like to be a poor college guy looking to blow off some steam. That’s why I’m writing you. Maybe you can do something under the table, and show “Ms. Dennis” how a businessman really operates. Or, just send a SEAL team down here to run up on the beach and pull us out. My cell phone signal has been out since Sunday, but they can find us at the Casa de Vacino, room 301. Unless it’s happy hour, then we will be across the street at Señor Frogs.
If you can’t do anything immediately, I’ll understand. Your wisdom has gotten us this far. Plus, me and my teammates have all anyone really needs to get by: gumption, American know-how, and undying patriotism. If we have to stay here for a few more months, I’m sure we’ll be able to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. After all, Dave is our de facto team treasurer – he’s only a semester away from a business degree. Plus, our goaltender Chris is a real go-getter; he already signed up for the hot bod contest later tonight, and if he wins we’ll have some seed money to work with. Heck, we’ll probably own a hotel or two by the time you send in the cavalry. We could be the base for a whole invasion. Forget the Vecino, how’s Trump Tower, Cabo San Lucas sound???
Please write soon and let us know the plan. If writing is not possible, just send up a red, white and blue flare to let me know you got this – I’ll know that’s you.
Yours in Making America Great Again,
ISU Lacrosse Team Captain and American Patriot
Class of 2019