You may think you know how to wash your hair, but you’re a woman in 2017, which means you need how-to articles on everything from sleeping to breathing. So take a deep breath – god, not like THAT – and find out how to clean yourself right with our helpful eleven-step guide:
Step 1: Condition first. It sounds counterintuitive but it works!
Step 2: Wait, no, shampoo first. Conditioning first sounds counterintuitive because it makes no goddamn sense. DEFINITELY shampoo first!
Step 3: Our bad, you should condition first. That’s how the moisture molecules get into your hair holes, that’s what a real hair scientist said, don’t @ us.
Step 4: Make sure you’re using the right products for your hair type. A BuzzFeed quiz can help you find out if your hair is secretly an introvert, just by choosing your favorite ‘90s pizza toppings!!!
Step 5: Massage your scalp in tiny circles, going counterclockwise ONLY. If you’re in the southern hemisphere, massage clockwise.
Step 6: Start by brushing hair to detangle. Oops, should have made that Step 1, huh?! Hop out of the shower and brush.
Step 7: Get back in the shower. Repeat steps 1 through 5, or your hair will be cursed by the same witch who cursed Kellyanne Conway.
Step 8: Begin shower-crying. You’re pruny. So very pruny.
Step 9: Rinse with freezing cold water for a full minute. “That’s how you close up those hair holes!” – a different but still very real hair scientist.
Step 10: DO NOT rub your hair dry. It’s too harsh. Instead, pat each strand dry with its own tiny towel.
Step 11: Now that you’ve finished drying, notice that it’s nightfall. You’ve been in this bathroom for twelve hours and are suffering from mild dehydration, but your hair looks fantastic!
Are you a man wondering how to wash your hair? Head to the drugstore and pick up any steel-grey bottle that smells of rocks and ice. There are instructions on the back.