So Your Lover Believes the Earth Is Flat

Kyrie Irving

1. Forgive him.

2. No, don’t forgive him. Science is important, and the shape of our world is not to be re-negotiated on a conspiratorial whim.

3. He’s so handsome, though.

4. And he always comes through in the clutch, like when LeBron is exhausted or in foul trouble.

5. Find a decent compromise. Perhaps the Earth could be shaped like a pickle, a refrigerator box, or a sleeping duck.

6. Your love with your lover is imaginary, anyway, as he’s a professional basketball player and you’ve never met him, so just use more imagination powder to further imagine that the whole flat-Earth thing was a joke.

7. And try to forget what he said about dinosaurs. Overall, remind yourself that Kyrie Irving is basically an athletic Phoebe Buffay, and she was the best Friend anyway, so it’s fine. It’s fine!

8. Perhaps the Earth is shaped like a sewing thimble, and the inside of the thimble is filled with penguins having orgies, and polar ice is just old penguin semen.

9. Perhaps it’s shaped like Bill Nye’s head.

10. Perhaps his opinions about Earth were formed while under great duress; as a point guard, he might sometimes feel like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

11. Gently ask him if the weight of the world feels like a giant dinner plate and when he says “No,” raise one eyebrow as though you’ve successfully proved your point.

12. Again, this is an imaginary relationship, so don’t have the above conversation outside the confines of your dedicated Kyrie Fantasy Time, lest people stare at you.

13. If he’s interested in the pickle option, but suggests it could be a sliced pickle, hold your ground. Stay in three dimensions.

14. Take it back. Tell him you’d consider slicing the pickle-Earth if, and only if, the Cavs win the championship this year. Science is important, but basketball is life. Plus, he’s just so handsome.

 

 




Holly Burdorff

Author: Holly Burdorff

Holly Burdorff is an MFA candidate in creative writing at the University of Alabama. Her work appears in recent or forthcoming issues of Quarterly West, The Common, inter|rupture, and Cimarron Review.

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