The Liberal Media Conspiracy That Cost Alex Jones His Children

Alex Jones

As a zealot avid follower of Alex Jones, InfoWars, and Mr. Jones’ other outlets, I’m absolutely appalled at the recent treatment he’s received from the ever-biased liberal media. Worse still, their calculated lies and abuse came during a contentious custody battle between Mr. Jones and his former wife – probably costing him his sole custody of his children. Now Mr. Jones will no longer be able to fully indoctrinate educate his three kids.

With so few of us truth-seekers actually producing offspring (a conspiracy for another day), we can hardly afford to lose this, our future. I therefore urge all decent, Christian, critical freethinkers who read this post to inundate the traditional media outlets (and especially online discussions) with our voices until the following rumors and misconceptions are put to rest for Alex Jones:

He Can’t Remember His Children’s Ages

This claim was largely overblown. True, Mr. Jones did forget some key facts of his kids’ lives, but it was much more about what grade they’re in, whom their teachers are, etc. But, can anyone really blame him? Keep in mind that these “facts” are ever-changing. Now, something important and static like the date that the government staged the Sandy Hook shootings or when they claim to have landed on the moon – these are dates Alex Jones will remember forever and even after his own death. Also, consider that his mind is constantly at work, assessing the official stories, finding their flaws, and educating the public like every good patriot should do. The alternative is that we ask him to remember if his kid has Mrs. Cotton or Miss Smith for homeroom. Priorities, people!!

His Big Bowl of Chili for Lunch Caused His Amnesia

Yes, Mr. Jones did explain his memory problems by explaining his lunch choice. But does anyone really believe that chili does not cause memory loss? Maybe I shouldn’t speak on this because I don’t even remember the last time I had a large helping of chili. Oh whoops, looks like I just proved my point!

He’s a Performance Artist

Anyone with sense knows that Alex Jones is one of the few sources of real news. Yet, for some reason, people dismissively refer to Alex Jones as a “conspiracy theorist,” a “nutty fruitcake,” or sometimes even an “assclown.” So, to appeal to the blind masses (i.e. the jury), Mr. Jones’ attorney downplayed his client’s convictions in suggesting Mr. Jones was a “performance artist.” Of course, Mr. Jones quickly corrected his well-meaning attorney on InfoWars by saying, “We’re the most bona fide, hardcore, real-McCoy-thing there is!” Sometimes the truth hurts and it takes a real man, like Alex Jones, to give it to you straight. In this case, it hurt him as it may have lost him his own children. But we all know it’s still the liberal media’s fault.

He’d Slept With 150 Women by Age 16

To begin with, Alex Jones was clearly not bragging when he recounted this event in his young life. He even said it was “shameful.” But given Mr. Jones’ undeniable virility and animal magnetism, there can be no doubt to his numerical veracity. Heck, I’m an extremely straight, conservative, white, Christian man, and even I sometimes think about Mr. Jones in the shower recognize his appeal. Regardless, there is a tremendous upside to Mr. Jones’ prolific coupling – it could very well be our hidden solution to his lost custody and, more importantly, the declining birth rates of us critical freethinkers.

He’s Being Sued by a Yogurt Company

Facts are facts and it’s undeniable that there has been a 500% increase in tuberculosis in Twin Falls, Idaho since the Muslim-owned Chobani set up their yogurt factory in the area. Chobani isn’t even suing for much money; instead, their clear goal is to silence Mr. Jones and his dream for our future. Of course, this won’t work, as Mr. Jones himself eloquently sums up, “It’s all about teaching me to shut up, teaching me to back down, which isn’t going to happen.” But, besides all of this, who really cares? Yogurt is as gay as those chemically altered frogs.



Samuel Frazier, Jr.

Author: Samuel Frazier, Jr.

Sam Frazier, Jr. (@CTitanics) is a comedic writer, producer and editor. Visit him on Facebook and at

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