We are so sorry about the mix-up with this year’s Fyre Festival. In lieu of giving your money back – because we already spent that shit on gold bottles of Ace of Spades and lobsters – we want to offer you tickets to next year’s Fyre Festival! It’s going to be lit. Like literally lit – on fy-ah!
But we’ve learned our lesson and we want to take precautions, so we’re providing you with this packing list for #FyreFestival2018.
Are you down for the adventure?
Life Straw: One of those fat straw things that takes vodka and turns it into potable water. Did we say vodka? We meant puddles. Mud puddles teeming with mosquito larvae. You know, just in case!
Metallic Thermal Blanket: Preferably made of platinum. White gold if you must. Just bring whatever you wore to the Met Gala.
Flashlight: This ain’t Coachella. We don’t offer light sticks with the price of entry.
Manual Can Opener: Should things go south, we’ll need to blame someone, and we think the production assistants for whom this is the ultimate life-changing experience would see it as a learning opportunity to take the brunt. So bring along the can opener so you can open that of whoop-ass if necessary.
Dehydrated Food: These can be found on any post-apocalyptic website of doom. Cans are heavy. And a few crystalline snorts of dehydrated chicken broth should have you going for days.
Light Reading: While we are having the best music entertainment in all of the world, you should have backup. Like a People or a Variety or Lord of the Flies – in case you wanted to see what the hype was all about here at Fyre. But take note: Don’t be Piggy. We eat piggies for breakfast. Okay, the supermodels may just nibble an ear or a toe, but the rest of us – we hungry!
Blow-up Dinghy: This year was a fucking hassle to get all your sorry asses back to the mainland. Get your own selves home. But please don’t forget to tag your photos with #FyreDinghyLyfe.
Reusable Lunch Bag(s): We caught a lot of flak last year for our use of Styrofoam boxes to house our wilty-ass cheese sandwiches. Let’s strive to be more eco this year! You know: #ClimateChange.
Whistle: Did you know the Caribbean Sea whistles? That shit can be heard from space and not by simple plebeians, which you, of course are not. At Fyre, we’re louder than the Rossby whistle, because we party harder and at higher decibels than the fuckin’ sea.
Rain Poncho: We love ponchos. Though we harped on Coachella earlier, we still strive to be the biggest, best, most appropriated festival ever, so we want to appropriate whatever we can from our little sister desert festival. Bring your own feathers and beads. We’ll supply the glue.
First-Aid Kit: Let’s face it, your soft bare feet are going to meet the glass of a beer bottle or two. Don’t you go tracking that blood across our pristine beaches. Sully your own damn private beach. Be prepared to patch that shit up.
Tent: Big enough for the orgy of self-importance, small enough for seven of your supermodel friends.