Ah, spring! It’s that time of year again to take off my thick coat, go for a walk in my neighborhood, get a start on our garden, and take in a local street festival. But these pleasantries can quickly take a dark turn due to my seasonal hallucination problems, a state of psychosis from which many suffer. The constant fear, and gasps to catch my breath, can really take a toll on my ability to be enthusiastic about the new season.
When the weather gets warmer, it’s a horror show everywhere I turn. Here are some examples:
In my home:
Is that a thumbtack I left in the wall or a black widow spider?
What was that in the corner of my eye? A floater, or a house centipede?
That black speck on the couch just moved! It must be a tick….oh, it’s a fuzz of some kind.
It’s 3:00 AM, I think I just heard a cat dying outside, but maybe it was a dream?
That is more than likely a big fucking spider in my shower, and I’m too afraid to find out for sure.
In my neighborhood:
Did I just see my neighbor outside with literally no pants on? Or were those skin-colored leggings? Or just incredibly short shorts?
Is that the sound of a lawnmower, a chainsaw, or my impending death?
Did I just see three kids riding on one bike? Or one of the hounds of hell?
Was that bird shit that just fell on me, or a raindrop? Ugh, there are no clouds in the sky!
On the topic of birds:
Was that a bird or a bat that just flew by?
Okay, now I wonder is that a bird, or a really big friggin’ wasp? Seriously, that thing is three inches long.
Did I just see two birds fighting or banging?
Oh look, a bird that’s letting me walk close to it! Oh God, it’s a dead bird. That bird is dead.
At the local street festival:
Is that woman just dancing, or having a heart attack? I swear I saw her just clutch her chest. No, I think she’s just dancing.
Did I just see that man’s balls fall out his shorts?
Is that vomit or just spilled beer?
I swear I had $20 in my pocket. Oh wait, its the receipt from when I bought an admission ticket and one soda.
I sought help for my affliction and here’s what an expert had to say. “Predicting how bad seasonal spring hallucinations will be is largely dependent on how God-awful it is out there,” said Ernie Shrapfin, MD, of the Bellevue Center for Real Talk. “The warmer the weather, the more lively the animals and people become, which can get really disgusting and obscene, really quickly.” He recommended I get good sleep, drink plenty of fluids, and stop using my eyes, ears, and nose as often as possible.