EVANSTON, Ill. – After bracing himself for the impending emotions of bereavement and loss, local man Seth Gordon set lofty weekend goals of closing most of his Google Chrome tabs, some of which had been open since that time when Trump was still insulting just Mexicans on national television.
As a social media promoter for a start-up juice company, one would expect that Gordon would be an expert at web browser organization skills, but he noted that his browser systematization skills were far from adequate.
“Last year I tried to implement the habit of arranging all my tabs based on importance of content from left to right to make the organization somewhat easier,” Gordon said. “But my priorities in life are not really set straight or that clear. Deciding whether a cat video was more important than my ex’s Twitter feed was basically an impossible task.”
“I had clearly set myself up for failure, so I don’t do that anymore,” Gordon explained while forlornly looking in the distance with a sense of acceptance of his limitations as a human. “At one point I even tried that Marie Kondo book to help me get organized, but I’m not that spiritual about my multiple open links, I guess.”
He went on to mention that he once accidentally closed his Chrome browser while trying to close a Word document. The hyperventilation that ensued was something that has schooled him to never unthinkingly click at the wrong place.
“I have improved, in all honesty. Right now it’s just one browser window. Until last year I used to have multiple windows each with several tabs open in them as well. And before that it was all in Safari. Don’t even get me started about that. To clear out that mess I needed an entire long weekend, minimum,” Gordon said while furtively moving his mouse over a now-dead live feed of a Democratic primary debate from 2016.
“This weekend’s task is going to be tough, to say the least. There’s a half-filled health insurance form somewhere in there,” said a mildly quivering Gordon. “I’ll have to decide whether to go all the way through and finish it out or to start over some another time. Plus, there are some websites that require multifactor authentication…Christ, what a nightmare. Those I’ll probably just leave open.”
At press time, Gordon was seen overcoming inertia to quickly read through as many open links as he could while praying under his breath that his browser wouldn’t crash.