Area Woman Discovers All Hot Chicago Cubs Players Are Taken

Woman Stressed

CHICAGO – Brooke Turgin of Arlington Heights announced Monday on Facebook Live that “my life is totally over” after seeing heartwarming photos online of Chicago Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo with his girlfriend Emily Vakos.

“I didn’t know he was dating anyone. What the hell is happening,” Turgin said in a tearful account of the utter shock and horror she felt upon learning that Rizzo is off the market.

After collecting herself, Turgin said her helplessness began after the wedding announcement of Cubs third baseman Kris Bryant. “Kris is taken, now Rizzo! Who’s next, Dexter Fowler? What the…he’s married too!”

Turgin is considering taking her unrealistic and completely batty idea of marrying a professional baseball player on the road. “If I can’t land a Chicago Cub maybe I can snag one of those racing sausages at Miller Park.”



Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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