Please allow us a moment to introduce ourselves. We are the National Basketball Association (NBA for short). Perhaps you’ve seen us on TV soaring through the air, dunking basketballs into hoops (or rings, Ted Cruz), shooting three-pointers, giving high-fives, passing, dribbling behind our backs, and, most recently, serving as the moral compass for the United States of America.
That’s right. While seemingly all of the formal institutions of government have fallen in line, one-by-one, with the orange guy in the White House and his posse, we are out here fighting the good fight to protect American values of inclusion and decency, all while continuing to pull off feats of unparalleled athleticism and skill on a nightly basis for your viewing pleasure.
Think about it. Who is stepping up to defend our country in its time of need? Certainly not Congress. Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and their ilk have proven themselves to be little more than life-sized, anthropomorphic rubber stamps. You can find them hiding out in their Capitol Hill offices saying things like, “Let’s not talk about the president and his all-out assault on democracy; let’s focus on these tax cuts for the rich and dismantling of government programs.” After all, who wants to live in a democracy if it means the rich have to pay taxes and the poor get all the benefits, right Mitch and Paul? Ridiculous. You won’t find such cowardice in the NBA. No, the only rubber stamping we condone is the metaphorical stamping of our rubber-soled sneakers on the throats of our ideological opponents.
So, since Congress is worthless in the resistance, all that’s left is us, Hollywood, millions of everyday individuals marching in the streets, a raft of committed civil society groups, and a few judges. Our friends in Hollywood are fine, but we don’t believe they are on our level. Really, all they do is act and dance. Hardly any of them can dunk a basketball and most of them are short. Plus, have you seen LeBron’s pre-game powder toss or the elaborate, individualized handshakes we have with each of our teammates? It’s pretty clear that we beat Hollywood when it comes to theater and choreography even though they have home-court advantage.
And don’t get us wrong, we have complete respect for everyday people, the ACLU, and the courts (obviously), but let’s just say we have a significantly bigger platform from which to speak. It’s called a basketball court and it is 94 feet long and 50 feet wide. Also, can you envision thousands of overweight white middle-aged guys wearing ACLU tank-top jerseys? Seems unlikely. A Steph Curry jersey on the other hand – set that pasty flesh free!
Yes, it would seem that we are America’s last real hope. Fortunately, we have extensive experience with strategy, game planning, and setting screens. We can play offense and defense equally well and we know that while defense wins championships, offense is what puts fans in the stands. Hence, we began our fight against fascism with a free-flowing verbal offensive led by our most influential coaches and players. The impassioned statements of coaches Steve Kerr and Gregg Popovich drew substantial attention to our cause and the pithier statements by Steph Curry, LeBron James, and Kyle Lowry, among other players, have generated tremendous momentum. Mr. Curry’s recent pronouncement that the president was certainly an asset to the country if you removed the et will no doubt make its way onto protest signs and T-shirts.
Next, as we enter crunch time, we plan to transition into a full-court press. We know that sometimes the only way to slow down a boorish offensive opponent is to buckle down on defense and just get stops! Thus, we plan to take our defensive prowess straight to the White House. Since our dear leader is so fond of walls, we will show him what an NBA wall looks like. We will surround him with our biggest and strongest. We will form a circle of humanity that is approximately seven feet tall and can also shoot from the outside because the days of the one-dimensional big man are over.
Unlike the President’s wall, ours will truly be beautiful. We will set an impenetrable screen for four years if need be. This will not be a pick and roll, but simply a screen and stay to protect our great nation. And if he tries to sneak any tweets or executive orders past us via lob pass or high-arcing jump shot, our rim protectors will jump up to swat them back in his face and in glorious unison we will all shout, “GET THAT WEAK SHIT OUT OF HERE!”
As we continue our struggle against intolerance and fear, we would be remiss if we failed to recognize our commissioner Adam Silver for his unwavering leadership in this fight of our lives. If you are unfamiliar with Adam, please look him up. He might remind you a little of Florida governor Rick Scott, but we promise he is not a criminal and he can actually speak in public. And, of course, none of this would be possible without the support of our sponsors (we have recently welcomed Nordstrom, Nieman Marcus, and Shoes.com). They have believed in our mission from day one. Sure, it might seem unlikely that a collection of professional basketball players would be the ones to save the republic, but if recent political events have taught us one thing, it is that “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!”
(To clarify, yes, that is a reference to a statement made by one of our illustrious former players. For those of you unfamiliar with our league, please take the time to learn our history, because we are all in this together now and there is no turning back.)