Look, I didn’t want to write this think piece. One, because I hate writing. And two, I’m the notorious bank robber Mikey “Shooty Shooty Kill Dead” Bedard, and writing this article really compromises the whole staying-out-of-jail thing.
Apparently, some of you ladies out there on Tinder are confused about that second part because when I put “looking for a partner in crime” on my dating profile, I just get a bunch of random messages asking where I’m from and what my favorite episode of Bob’s Burgers is.
I want to be perfectly clear on this. I am not looking for a girlfriend, fuck buddy, whatever. I literally need a partner in crime because I can only carry so many bags with dollar signs on them that are filled to the brim with cash. Someone else needs to carry the bags and/or stay at the car and yell, “The coppers are comin’ for ya, Mikey,” so I can turn around and start shooting.
The only good thing that has come out of my Tinder experience is when Katie from Glendale messaged me saying, “So instead of Netflix and chill, you want to Netflix and kill?” Solid pun, Katie. Solid pun. I literally lol’d as I sat atop my throne of stolen money.