THE HEAVENS – Our Heavenly Father, God Almighty, extended His “thoughts and prayers to all the recent gun violence victims and their families” via a Facebook post Friday, admitting that it was hard to understand the recent violent acts and He was sure the victims were needed in a “better place.”
He, Creator of Heaven and Earth, requested his seven billion Facebook followers to take a moment of silence and reflect on the recent victims of incomprehensible and senseless acts of violence, adding that it was the best one could do at times of disillusionment.
“Violence as a way of achieving racial justice is both impractical and immoral,” posted God after a quick promotion of an upcoming event of His one-God band Rocking the Promised Land at the avant-garde club Arcadia.
“I want to believe that my prayers will be heard, but what do I know?” Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe continued. “I think I will probably write a song about it, and play it at my next gig.”
According to celestial sources that are friends with him on social media as well, this was a rare but sincere attempt by He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of the Darkness to contemplate on human suffering apart from pledging $5,000 for cancer research back in 2014. His typical updates include cool new tunes He picked up and a variety of adorable cat videos. He has also been experimenting with His hairstyle lately, said another heavenly host, finally settling down with a rather rakish God-bun (as seen in his latest profile picture).
The Divine Creator corroborated the sources, stating that He was secretly a hopeless optimist, dwelling on such unexplainable devastating acts of brutality by His children that bring him down several notches; to avoid “falling into a bottomless pit of depression,” he likes to keep a busy upbeat approach towards human existence.
“I imagine there is a good reason for such gruesome loss of life, and it is all part of a big plan, but who really knows why such horrible things happen, and my guess is probably as good yours. There is no rational explanation for it, that’s why having an irrational response seems to be the best step forward,” the All Knowing All Powerful Almighty reluctantly concluded after being pressed for further comment on the issue.