Unsolicited Advice From a Girl to the Breastaurant Industry

Topless Waiters

Ever since the “male Hooters” opened up, I’ll admit I’ve been curious and a bit skeptical. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the effort and hopeful that their intent is to hop on the gender equality, female inclusion train (trust me, we see you and we appreciate you). When I looked it up, though, all I found were photos of ripped men in tiny shorts holding server trays of hot dogs. This photo may have been edited.

Maybe I’ve been reading too much Roxane Gay or Rebecca Solnit but I don’t know that the Hooters business model of oversexualizing the opposite sex appeals to female audiences as flawlessly as it does male ones. As I said though, I’m all about a restaurant that focuses on women having a pleasurable dining experience that caters specifically to them. So, in my spare time, I compiled a list of ideas to help the breastaurant industry grow:

A restaurant where the male servers recite poetry by memory while walking a dog

where the server is genuinely interested in listening to you complain about your boss

where the server wears the nice sweater you picked out for him

where the server starts a conversation with you about football making no sense

where the server just shows you photos of his niece because he’s proud of her

where the server looks lovingly at you as you order 20 wings for yourself and doesn’t judge or make a face like he just found out that episode of Animal Hoarders was about you

where the server brings a bowl of hot cheese like it’s free water before even asking what you want off the menu

where the server is a robot that you can order hot cheese from so you don’t have to interact with a single person before, during, or after the transaction

the robot has internet capabilities with bookmarks to Etsy, Tumblr and the Lemonade album

the robot is just an iPad

Honestly, free tampons and pads in the bathroom will do just fine.

 

 




Jessica Salamone

Author: Jessica Salamone

Jess Salamone recently spent a morning writing in a coffee shop and found $10 on the floor. This technically qualifies Jess to call herself a paid writer. She lives in New York City with her best friend Naia, a cat who she found on the street. She spends a lot of time drafting tweets and even posts some of them. Follow her (please) @Blessed2BJessed.

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