THE HOLLOW TREE – Citing intense backlash and calls for boycotts of their cookies, crackers, and snacks, the Keebler elves denounced their second cousin, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in a press conference Friday afternoon.
“Jefferson is family, but we cannot sit idly by as his past comes back to haunt us all and put the business in jeopardy,” Ernest “Ernie” J. Keebler said in front of the Hollow Tree Factory, where all Keebler cookies are baked in the deliciously mysterious and magical elfin way. “We didn’t say anything when he would lecture about voter registration with cryptic racial undertones or voice how uncomfortable our rainbow cookies made him because no elf could stripe the Fudge Stripes better than him, but we simply can no longer hold our tongues.”
The last straw for the elves came this week when it was publicly revealed that Sessions met with Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak twice last year, lying about the meetings while under oath during his confirmation hearing.
“Jefferson did try to hold a third meeting with the ambassador here,” Ernie said, flanked by his stone-faced brethren. “But our scrumptious cookies will not be a party to treason. The last thing we need is the feds poking around the Hollow Tree.”