This winter season would be the perfect time to get outside with my new crush for a date both charming and extremely dangerous – if I had health insurance. But because I could only pay, in the event of an emergency, the $54.22 to my name towards medical treatment, I should really just forget about these cute cold-weather activities for two from which a myriad of tragedies could arise!
Ah, the classic wintertime couple’s outing. What better way for me to announce to my Instagram following that me and Aiden are officially “a thing” than a hand-holding pic in the rink? It’s too bad that the possibility of me falling and some dumbass seven-year-old skating over and severing all of my left fingers and me not being able to pay for them to be sewn back on is too great! Where would I put the engagement ring Aiden will eventually (probably soon!) give me?
This is an adorable way to get closer to (i.e. grind on) your crush – if you can afford to pay for severe concussion rehabilitation out of pocket! While I’d love for Aiden and I to share a sled, him squeezing me tightly from behind as we barrel down a snowy hill, our combined weight would increase our velocity to a level that would certainly, upon striking the trunk of an evergreen tree, prove to be deadly. Or at the very least produce a nasty open head wound that my entire extended family’s combined wealth couldn’t pay to remedy. It’s too bad that free clinics don’t treat traumatic brain injuries!
Sure, it’d be great to take chairlift selfies with Aiden in our chic reflective goggles, but the combination of my spastic movements and slippery snow pant material would inevitably lead me to slide off the seat and into the pine trees below, after clawing at Aiden’s legs and dragging him adorably with me. Our faces would be mangled from falling through a web of frozen branches, but that wouldn’t impede my attraction to him since I’d go blind without an opthalmologist’s immediate care. Yet I NEED to ditch this idea since it’d be difficult to self-treat my lumbar compression fracture with a small jar of coconut oil, which is the only quasi-medicinal substance I could afford without health insurance. Is Obamacare still a thing?
If Aiden and I went ice climbing I just know I wouldn’t be able to resist testing the strength of our relationship with a trust fall. Hypothetically as Aiden clung to the wall of ice with his axes and crampons, I would jump backwards into the air to free fall until the rope between us caught me – if our connection was strong enough, that is! The second part of the test is to see how long you can dangle there, below your man, before both of you fall to your crippling near-deaths. I should totally not risk going on this date unless we were in a frosty location so remote that no one would ever discover our barely alive bodies, since I would NOT be able to pay my medical bills if found!