GAINESVILLE, Fla. – The American Society of Wetland Scientists released its annual industry report this week, revealing that hundreds of field scientists are dragged to their death each year by swamp monsters, including swamp things, bog monsters, mossmen and muddites.
“Unfortunately, this is just the nature of our line of work,” environmental scientist Timothy Gellner said. “You can’t let the thought of a swamp monster pulling you down into its swamp kingdom and making you its bride get in the way of the important work we do.”
Ecologists are hopeful that the strategic release of sasquatches, natural predators of swamp monsters, into the affected habitats could effectively reduce the latter’s breeding population.
“Sure, I’ve seen a few limbs ripped right off colleagues by enraged sasquatches, but it’s a risk we have to take to get this under control,” Gellner said.