FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation for the Preservation of Supermodels (LDFPS) is pleased to announce its largest-ever grant to save supermodels from dying out. In a historic effort, $15 million will be directed toward supermodel protection and conservation. The first round of the grant will fund on-demand eyelash extensions and spray tans, with a second round paying for unlimited bottle service.
“I remember the good old days, when packs of supermodels roamed the streets of Soho and crowded the watering holes,” said DiCaprio. “The natural habitats of supermodels have been decimated. For example, Bungalow 8 has been shuttered for years, and Marquee’s velvet rope policy is just a joke.”
DiCaprio recollected his first glimpse of the majestic creatures that inspired his cause.
“I remember when George Michael’s ‘Freedom’ video came out. I was totally blown away,” DiCaprio said, tearing up. “I was only fifteen, and just starting to appear on TV, but I knew then that I had a mission in life – to preserve and date these beautiful supermodels.”
For a while, DiCaprio’s philanthropy was going very smoothly. In the ’90s, he formed his infamous “Pussy Posse,” and was often seen by supermodels’ sides, but then the recession hit and the odds became almost insurmountable.
“Before the crash, models would only date young, good-looking movie stars. It was the natural order of things. But the Great Recession changed things,” DiCaprio mused. “Even Russian billionaires and Silicon Valley nerds got dates with supermodels. When that happens, you know the species is endangered. How can you continue to produce supermodels if they date ugly, smart people?”
DiCaprio also pointed out that many factors compounded the problem.
“In the old days, supermodels were undereducated sixteen-year-olds from trailer parks in Florida who absolutely believed that they might be the one to get me to finally commit,” he stated. “Now, thanks to reality shows, sex tapes, ambitious mothers, and social media, these girls are no longer naive. They’re only interested if you have more than 50 million Instagram followers. It’s unnatural.”
In the same way that light pollution is disorienting sea turtles, supermodels seem confused about their purpose.
“Karlie Kloss is dating some tech dork; she’s also studying coding and has her own company,” said DiCaprio, visibly overcome by emotion. “It’s like she doesn’t even care if she has beautiful daughters. If this trend continues unchecked, I’ll only have a pool of short, ugly potential girlfriends when I’m sixty. I can’t let that happen, so the time was right to really up the ante on the fundraising for my foundation.”
DiCaprio claimed that he had been inspired to form his foundation when he received a stunning double-pronged setback: Miranda Kerr’s engagement to the Snapchat CEO and a Tinder founder’s claim that a supermodel was “begging him for sex.”
DiCaprio went on to add that he had lost a valuable ally in supermodel preservation when Derek Jeter married, but vowed he would fight on alone, if necessary. He was last seen disappearing backstage at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.