You Wouldn’t Believe the Insane Shit I Know About Space

Obama Thinking

As my presidency nears its conclusion, I often find myself reflecting on the past eight years. First and foremost, I am overtaken with such gratitude to the American people for allowing me to serve them and this wonderfully diverse country. It has been an honor unlike any I could have imagined, and I will carry it with me for the rest of my life.

My thoughts also take me to everything we accomplished together during my time in office, from the passage of the Affordable Care Act, which insures millions of people who could not previously get health insurance, to our resiliency as we worked together to put our economy back on the right track.

Also, I have come to realize that I know an insane amount of shit about space.

I’m talking just absolutely wild stuff you wouldn’t even attempt to believe if I told you. Every single day during my morning briefing, I was hit with a bombshell report of something going on in space that would make your toes curl.

Whatever you think you know about what they’re doing in the International Space Station – just forget it. Wipe it all from your mind. You think the astronauts up there are just whimsically floating around, conducting their little experiments? When I first learned what was really going on up there, it was nearly three days of near-constant vomiting before I could even bring myself to comprehend it. When Scott Kelly got back to Earth after being in space for nearly a year, he was just a mess. The incoherent babbling, the obscene size of his penis…we eventually had to cancel all public appearances for him because his body had begun to grow hundreds of new, constantly screaming mouths.

And from what I know about Mars…God help the souls who first step foot on that death rock.

It’s not just what I’ve learned that will haunt me for the rest of my days. The things I’ve seen and done in space will make your brain melt. Trust me, I’ve seen the technology that could make it happen.

Do you know how hard it is to have kept my mouth shut about all of this over the past eight years? I’ve been present for diplomatic talks on Rygell-5 and seen Quinjok’s representatives vaporized right in front of me, and I’m supposed to just carry about the next day on Earth acting like saying “Merry Christmas” is the most pressing dilemma to tackle.

But I suppose I will be able to calm down after I leave office, and I am no longer inundated with the incomprehensible horrors of space. I can simply relax with Michelle, the girls, the dogs, and our little Beeborp, a prized Gamarunian trophy pet I won in a flame battle on Yorg (It’s a long story for another day). That alone is enough to make me excited for 2017.

So Happy New Year, everybody. And as they say on Yorg after a victorious flame battle, “May the flesh of your enemy feed your family for generations!”



Barack Obama

Author: Barack Obama

44th President of the United States

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