WASHINGTON, D.C. – The holiday season is in full swing, but sweater weather hasn’t begun yet – and it might not for awhile, according to members of President-elect Donald Trump’s staff, as Myron Ebell has begun the Environmental Protection Agency’s transition into Trump’s first term and beyond.
Originally part of a grand scheme to compromise U.S. manufacturing efforts, the lie of global warming has escalated according to Ebell, hindering national money-making efforts and encouraging millions of Americans to whine loudly about air quality and rising sea levels.
“I’ve never heard anyone complain about temperate Thanksgivings or living closer to the beach before,” Ebell said. “I picked up a new Christmas yacht this year. She gets four miles per gallon and has enough grill space for 144 standard ballpark franks. If that’s not the most American way to spend the holiday, I don’t know what is.”
“The only major storms happening here should be the ones at your closest Tommy Bahama retailer,” Ebell continued. “Have you seen their holiday collection? There’s something for everyone, and I’ve never looked or felt better. These flip flops here? On sale for $16.99. Who wouldn’t want to wear these to a New Year’s party?”
Despite threats to multiple ecosystems and the viability of many coastal U.S. cities within the next 75 years, Ebell provided a strong message to those perpetuating the lie of climate change.
“It’s time to quit bellyaching and get into the holiday spirit. If you really cared about the environment, get outside with your family and friends,” Ebell said. “Throw a picnic. Appreciate the beaches Mother Nature is bringing to your doorstep. I don’t care. But if you hurry up, Old Navy might still have some of their annual American flag shirts on sale.”