President-Elect Henry Potter Defends Cabinet Choices

Mr Potter

President-elect Henry F. Potter’s Cabinet selection process has just begun and already his choices have drawn much criticism. Potter won a surprising victory in the election through a groundswell of populist support for his attacks on the “sentimental hogwash” and liberal policies of the outgoing administration – especially its support of subprime lenders like George Bailey, whom Potter blames for the Great Recession. Among Potter’s most controversial selections include:

Hans Gruber as Secretary of Homeland Security

This selection is so controversial that even President Barack Obama voiced public concern. “Outgoing presidents don’t normally comment on an incoming president’s Cabinet selections,” Obama said recently at a press conference. “But come on! This is the same guy who took over the Nakatomi Building. He’s an international terrorist.”

In his nominee’s defense, Potter responded, “Hans Gruber is a businessman, and a damn good one. All he wanted was his detonators, and now that he has them, he will leave nothing to chance in his defense and protection of the American people.” Capping it off, Potter summarized, “When it comes to terrorism, it takes one to know one.”

Sam Wainwright as Secretary of State

Formerly known as a hero for his support of the Bailey Building and Loan, Sam Wainwright made billions as a plastics magnate. His reputation later took a serious hit when he relocated his plant in Bedford Falls to the Philippines. Still, Boss Potter has said of Wainwright, “He’s much more than a business executive. He’s a world-class player.” However, Wainwright has drawn fire from a potential conflict of interest as most of the raw materials used in his plastics factories are purchased from Russia.

Wainwright’s dealings with Russian President Vladimir Putin have become so close that in 2012 Putin awarded him Russia’s Order of Friendship. Republican Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has called this honor a “friendship award from a butcher.” In addition, retired Lt. Col. Ralph Peters said in a recent Fox News interview that, You can’t do business with Putin’s Russia without getting dirty. I want to see somebody who puts America’s interest in front of those of Wainwright Plastics.”

In response to these attacks, Wainwright put his hands up to his head, gesticulated like a jackass, and said, “Hee-haw!” Despite all objections, Wainwright is expected to achieve the required majority for Senate confirmation.

Harry and Marv, aka “The Wet Bandits” as Attorneys General

Known mostly for their botched break-in attempt of a house guarded only by an eight-year-old boy accidentally left at home by his family over Christmas, Harry and Marv seem a strange choice for the chief law enforcement officers of the country. Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said on the subject, “Aren’t these the geniuses who left the water running in every house they burgled and wasn’t that how the police were able to pin all those other robberies on them? Yeah, great choice, Old Man Potter.”

In response, Boss Potter said, “No.” and also, “That never happened.”

Scut Farkus as Secretary of Energy

Despite its name, the Department of Energy’s main role is to protect and manage the nation’s nuclear weapons. Scut Farkus has been widely criticized for having no experience in this field and supporting himself primarily by ambushing children on their way to school and taking their lunch money. With this in mind, Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA) slammed Potter’s pick in saying, “Scut Farkus in control of our nukes?!! The first thing he’ll probably do is blow up that cute little kid, Ralphie, and their whole neighborhood is going to pay the price.”

In defense of his choice, Boss Potter said, “The Farkus family gave a lot of money to my campaign.” Yet, even with all the support of Senators who have recently crawled to Potter, Farkus might still be too lacking in charisma to pass the required Senate confirmation.

Ebenezer Scrooge as Secretary of the Treasury

Outspoken progressive Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) blasted Potter’s choice, saying the President-elect, “promised that he was going to run this government for the American people and not for Wall Street. And what he’s just done is he’s just put a Wall Streeter in charge of the Treasury.” Scrooge has received criticism from his own Republican party for his highly publicized but brief reformation into a charitable and decent human being. “I tried all that liberal stuff, and within a year my company went bankrupt, I had to lay off Bob Cratchit, and Tiny Tim subsequently died.”

Boss Potter agreed with his choice in saying, “Formerly, Scrooge was a man of so-called high ideals. But, high ideals without common sense can ruin this nation, and he understands this better than anybody now.”

The Grinch as Chief Strategist

Apparently this appointment was made to appease advocates for diversity. “Sure, this Grinch guy is very clever and conniving,” Potter explained. “But the real reason I chose him is I’m tired of hearing people complain about my Cabinet consisting of all white males. So here you go, he’s green. And, I’m not sure if he even has a gender.”

Political humorist Bill Maher lambasted the choice in saying, “All the Whos down in Whoville may have forgiven The Grinch for his heist, but I haven’t.” In response, Potter tweeted, “Keep bitching about it and I’ll go with that Stephen Bannon person. Now there’s a seriously creepy guy.”

 

 




Samuel Frazier, Jr.

Author: Samuel Frazier, Jr.

Sam Frazier, Jr. (@CTitanics) is a comedic writer, producer and editor. Visit him on Facebook and at www.samfrazierjr.net.

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