North Pole Detention Camp Location: [REDACTED]
Douglas Fleischer-Hughes, liberal activist, atheist, and professor of Sociology at Oberlin College lies blindfolded and strapped to a wooden gurney that’s trimmed with Christmas lights and a garland. The lower half of the gurney is elevated, so that Fleischer-Hughes’s head is angled 45 degrees downward.
General Santa Claus stands over him, chewing a mini candy cane.
SANTA: You are an agent in the so-called American “happy holidays” national campaign, correct?
DOUGLAS: I told you, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Santa holds up a Starbucks “Happy Holidays” cup.
SANTA: We found seven of these cups in your Prius.
DOUGLAS: You blindfolded me. I can’t see what you’re holding.
Santa throws the cup at Douglas’s face.
SANTA: The public’s afraid to say “Merry Christmas!” They say “Happy Holidays” and “Merry X-mas” and “Feliz Navidad”! It’s a disgrace.
DOUGLAS: “Feliz Navidad” is “Merry Christmas”! In Spanish.
Santa spits out the candy cane and narrows his eyes.
SANTA: I don’t speak communist.
DOUGLAS: Please. You haven’t let me sleep in two days.
SANTA: I have you on tape saying “happy holidays” to impressionable, feeble-minded college youth. Want me to play it?
DOUGLAS: No need. I said that. It’s just more culturally sensitive. I have two Hindu students in my seminar on “Deconstructing Gender.”
SANTA: Politically correct garbage! Christmas is the only holiday!
DOUGLAS: Look, you can’t keep me here forever! I haven’t done anything wrong!
SANTA: You’re waging a war! A war on Christmas!
DOUGLAS: I…that’s just so preposterous, Santa.
Santa pours egg nog on Douglas’s nose and mouth. Douglas chokes and gasps for air.
SANTA: Call me SAINT NICHOLAS!
DOUGLAS: Please stop! I hate egg nog!
Santa crouches close to Douglas’s face and holds a mistletoe over their heads.
SANTA: Prove you love Christmas. Give Santa a smoochie smooch under the mistletoe.
Santa kisses Douglas on the mouth.
DOUGLAS: I’m not attracted to you, but I am gay, so, kissing you doesn’t intimidate me. I’m surprised you’re not homophobic!
Santa growls behind his beard.
SANTA: There’s nothing gay about giving Santa a little kiss under some mistletoe! No homo!
DOUGLAS: What do you want from me?
SANTA: You’re a top operative in the War on Christmas. You report to someone code named “Dean.” He funnels money to your unit leader, aka “The Chair.”
DOUGLAS: You mean the College of Arts & Sciences dean? Dean Winthrop?
Santa cackles, his jolly belly jiggling.
SANTA: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to me, you pussy! You gave him up so easily! Where is “Dean’s” hideout?
DOUGLAS: Hideout? He lives in the Dean’s Cottage at Oberlin.
Santa removes the blindfold and slowly pours an entire half-gallon of eggnog into Fleischer-Hughes eyes.
SANTA: Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!
…and his nose and mouth.
SANTA: Now, Prancer, and Vixen!
Fleischer-Hughes gags and gasps.
SANTA: On, Comet! On, Cupid!
Santa crumbles a whole gingerbread man onto Fleischer-Hughes and adds a dollop of whipped cream.
SANTA: On, Donner and Blitzen!
DOUGLAS: You sick bastard! You’re making me hate this fucking holiday.
SANTA: Elf [REDACTED], get Dasher and Dancer. I’ve got a job for them.
Elf [REDACTED] runs off.
SANTA: When is your next attack? This “holiday party” operation.
Douglas begins crying.
DOUGLAS: It’s a potluck.
Santa slaps hims.
SANTA: Liar! Tell me what you’re bringing!
DOUGLAS: Peppermint bark!
SANTA: Tell me the truth, you loser liberal cuck.
DOUGLAS: Okay, okay! Tamales.
SANTA: You son of a bitch.
Santa pulls out a giant candy cane.
SANTA: Guess where this is going.
A bomb goes off, blowing the door off its hinges. Special Ops Rabbi Yosef Rabinowitz, aka “The Hebrew Hellraiser,” storms in. His men, a crack team of Rabbis, charge in behind. Rabinowitz grabs Santa by the beard.
RABINOWITZ: Well well well. If it isn’t the Chimney Bandit himself. I hereby declare this compound to be an inclusive safe space for all races, religions, nationalities, sexualities, medical conditions, and the entire gender spectrum, including Bronies!
Santa spits in Rabinowitz’s face.
SANTA: You can’t stop me from bringing kids joy and wonder and Hatchimals!
RABINOWITZ: Calm down. Nobody’s canceling your little pine tree day. Celebrate any way you like!
Rabbi Rab slowly drags a menorah across Santa’s face.
RABINOWITZ: Jesus was one of OURS, remember?
Santa shakes with fury, just as the entire Eastern wall of the interrogation shack explodes. Eight reindeer pulling a sleigh stampede inside and overwhelm the Rabbis. Santa breaks free and jumps on the sleigh.
SANTA: You liberal scum! I’ll stop you and your Sharia law and your man-made global warming conspiracies with jingle bells and a white Christmas! Ho Ho Ho, idiots!
The reindeer and Santa fly away in a flurry of jingles.
RABINOWITZ: You’re free to go now.
DOUGLAS: Thanks. Uh. Happy Holidays…
Rabinowitz slaps him.
RABINOWITZ: Have some respect, it’s Happy Chanukah!