Donald Trump Hates Mustaches, Is Likely Terrified of Beards

Donald Trump Afraid

President-elect Donald Trump’s transition is a daily carnival of horrors, but every now and then, something wonderfully silly slips through the cracks that brings a little levity to what is an otherwise anxiety-induced fever dream we are all forced to endure.

One such light bit of news comes from Trump’s hunt for the next Secretary of State, which he ultimately gave to Vladimir Putin knob-slobber Rex Tillerson.

Before Tillerson, Trump was casting a wide net of potential suitors, from noted insane person Rudy Giuliani (who has proven to be too insane even for Trump, which is an amazing accomplishment) to former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who Trump was only very publicly pursuing because he wanted to humiliate him (which he did).

One other name that was constantly floated around was longtime diplomat John Bolton, a casual advocate of bombing the hell out of Iran. More importantly, Bolton is a man with a mustache, and Trump does NOT approve of it.

According to a number of people within Trump’s team, which has all been legitimized with an honest-to-God statement from spokesman Jason Miller, the president-elect for some reason views mustaches as a sign of weakness. Trump is obsessed with his projections of manhood, power and strength (hence his desire to stock up on military generals in his administration) and somewhere along the way, he figured having a mustache makes you a total pussy and every other country in the world knows it.

“Presentation is very important because you’re representing America not only on the national stage, but also the international stage depending on the position,” Jason Miller said.

So now that it’s an undeniable fact that Donald Trump hates mustaches, where does that leave him on beards? If he has an irrational fear and hatred of mustaches, he must be absolutely terrified of beards, no matter how much he tries to mask it. Just imagine a bearded man approaching Trump, with Trump’s fragile doll hands trembling, the anguished sweat pouring down his fast food-greased body, dripping out of the sleeves of his oversized suit. Easy, isn’t it?

I’ve long wished for another bearded president, as I’m sure millions of Americans have, but it looks like we’ll still have to wait…a while. Just watch for Trump to one day make a public condemnation of Abraham Lincoln; we’ll know then just how afraid of beards he really is.


Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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