Are you looking at your Christmas (that’s right, Christmas – we WON the war) tree this year and thinking, “My God, this tree isn’t doing nearly enough to help make America great again. I need to fix this immediately!”? You’re in luck!
For the low price of just $99, you can buy an ornament that shows everyone you’ve never been afraid to say “Merry Christmas,” and now that it’s once again legal to do so with the election of Donald J. Trump, you’re going to say it to everyone’s face as loudly as you possibly can!
Made of brass and finished in 24 karat gold, this ornament, as Trump’s official site suggests, will “make any tree stand out,” though it doesn’t go into any more detail about how exactly your tree will stand out. And if you’re not sure one ornament will do the trick of proving to your guests that the silent majority is OFFICIALLY fighting back, you can buy two ornaments for just $79 each and three ornaments for $59 each.
All of this of course begs the question: Where exactly is this money going? Now that the election’s over and Trump has swindled plenty of money from you already, is this just another opportunity for him to line his coffers? The answer is an unequivocal yes, but I have a feeling that’s not going to stop someone from buying fifty of these things for the family tree. If Trump just ran an ad that said “Give me $50 and I won’t think you’re the biggest garbage loser on Earth,” he’d make a cool $10 million within a week.
Now, Trump isn’t alone in profiting off of his newfound position as the soon-to-be most powerful person on the planet (I’ll pause to let that sink in). But the difference between Trump’s and Barack Obama’s official stores is that Obama’s is full of legitimately cool, reasonably priced stuff that a normal person would buy. Trump is selling gold Christmas ornaments at a price that convinces me he thinks a gallon of milk costs $300.
He’s also selling the official hat of people who loudly berate grocery store employees in front of as many bystanders as possible (which I can now say I’ve seen happen).