Exclusive: Donald Trump’s Letter to Santa

Donald Trump Letter to Santa

Santa,

Wow. What a year. Can you believe it? I’m the president! The ultimate winner! Are you jealous? It’s okay, I know you are and I don’t blame you. I’m very much the greatest.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering, with how great I am and, by the way, all the winning I’m doing, what else could I possibly want for Christmas? It’s a good question, really good question. People have been asking it. And while it’s true I already have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of things already because I am very rich, there are still some things I would love for you to do, such as:

  • Bring me ISIS – you can just drop them off so I can take credit for capturing them.
  • Give me three million popular votes, whatever those are. Actually, make it three hundred trillion, one vote for every dollar I’m worth.
  • Provide me with a new wife. Time for an upgrade! You know what I’m talking about. Mrs. Claus does not seem to have much beauty and I know everything about beauty, believe me.
  • Make Mike Pence do all the work but I can still be president, like these brothers did in this documentary I saw called Arrested Development. Very good!
  • Make everything I tweet true. Genies do it, why can’t Twitter!
  • Give me bigger hands. Hands so big I need gloves custom-made to fit me. Hands so big they make Chris Christie’s entire face bright red when I slap him. I have been told I slap Christie’s face better than anyone on my team, it’s true.
  • Make Ivanka stop standing over my bed muttering while she holds a pillow. Creepy!
  • Erase journalism.

Thank you, Santa. And remember, if I don’t get everything on this list I will sue you! Just kidding. But I could, and I would win. Don’t forget that.

Sincerely,

The Donald

CEO, Trump Organization

President-Elect of America

Time Person (Should Be Man, Of Course) of the Year

Best Winner Ever

 




Tim Gaydos

Author: Tim Gaydos

Tim is a contributor for Robot Butt and is not hosting a parasitic xenomorph inside him, so just don't worry about it, ok? You can disagree with his opinions on Twitter @timthinksthings.

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