Wow. What a year. Can you believe it? I’m the president! The ultimate winner! Are you jealous? It’s okay, I know you are and I don’t blame you. I’m very much the greatest.
Anyway, you’re probably wondering, with how great I am and, by the way, all the winning I’m doing, what else could I possibly want for Christmas? It’s a good question, really good question. People have been asking it. And while it’s true I already have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of things already because I am very rich, there are still some things I would love for you to do, such as:
- Bring me ISIS – you can just drop them off so I can take credit for capturing them.
- Give me three million popular votes, whatever those are. Actually, make it three hundred trillion, one vote for every dollar I’m worth.
- Provide me with a new wife. Time for an upgrade! You know what I’m talking about. Mrs. Claus does not seem to have much beauty and I know everything about beauty, believe me.
- Make Mike Pence do all the work but I can still be president, like these brothers did in this documentary I saw called Arrested Development. Very good!
- Make everything I tweet true. Genies do it, why can’t Twitter!
- Give me bigger hands. Hands so big I need gloves custom-made to fit me. Hands so big they make Chris Christie’s entire face bright red when I slap him. I have been told I slap Christie’s face better than anyone on my team, it’s true.
- Make Ivanka stop standing over my bed muttering while she holds a pillow. Creepy!
- Erase journalism.
Thank you, Santa. And remember, if I don’t get everything on this list I will sue you! Just kidding. But I could, and I would win. Don’t forget that.
CEO, Trump Organization
President-Elect of America
Time Person (Should Be Man, Of Course) of the Year
Best Winner Ever