You Wouldn’t Believe the Insane Shit I Know About Space
Dec31

You Wouldn’t Believe the Insane Shit I Know About Space

As my presidency nears its conclusion, I often find myself reflecting on the past eight years. First and foremost, I am overtaken with such gratitude to the American people for allowing me to serve them and this wonderfully diverse country. It has been an honor unlike any I could have imagined, and I will carry it with me for the rest of my life. My thoughts also take me to everything we accomplished together during my time in office,...

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A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration
Dec30

A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration

Through some deep sources within President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team, we have uncovered a track list of rap/hip-hop songs re-recorded (“All tremendously legal,” we were assured) for Trump’s upcoming inauguration in January: 1. “F*ck Tha Police Because You Appreciate the Work They Do” – N.W.A. 2. “De-Regulate” – Warren G 3. “Flynn and Juice” – Snoop Dogg 4....

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Holiday Weather Report: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Memorial Day
Dec29

Holiday Weather Report: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Memorial Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The holiday season is in full swing, but sweater weather hasn’t begun yet – and it might not for awhile, according to members of President-elect Donald Trump’s staff, as Myron Ebell has begun the Environmental Protection Agency’s transition into Trump’s first term and beyond. Originally part of a grand scheme to compromise U.S. manufacturing efforts, the lie of global warming has escalated according to...

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Donald Trump Filling Up Diapers at Blistering Pace
Dec28

Donald Trump Filling Up Diapers at Blistering Pace

NEW YORK CITY – Faced with unrelenting stress as President-elect, increasing attacks from all sides on a daily basis, and a variety of potential investigations into his business and foundational dealings, Donald Trump has been filling up his diapers at an unprecedented clip since the election. Sources confirmed that Trump has been rage-pooping for years, and the family all but gave up trying to teach him to do otherwise a long...

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How Do We Know ‘Rogue One’ Is the #1 Movie in the Galaxy?
Dec27

How Do We Know ‘Rogue One’ Is the #1 Movie in the Galaxy?

I love all things Star Wars as much as the next guy, and I am extremely pleased to see that Rogue One is annihilating the competition at the box office, but I’m beginning to wonder whether Disney’s hubris is about to send the franchise into an inescapable tailspin. As is the case with most movies that top the box office, the new Rogue One TV spots make sure to highlight that fact. Except Rogue One is taking things pretty...

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