If you’ve tried the South Beach and Paleo diets, only to be let down, then get ready for the fitness craze sweeping depressed homes across the nation – the all-new Apocalypse Diet!
The Apocalypse Diet guarantees weight loss and decreased muscle tone, and all you have to do is continue to listen to the radio and watch the news.
How does it work, you might ask? The Apocalypse Diet literally replaces your appetite with nausea and bodily weakness, perpetuated by your own, now realistic fear of World War III.
If you’ve always been one to sit on the sidelines while your fit friends go to the gym with nary a thought of the return of internment camps, now is your time to achieve the fitness goals you’ve always dreamed of by allowing your anxiety to take over your bodily functions.
Watch your spare tire transform into chiseled ribs right before your eyes by starting every day with the horrible realization that this hasn’t all been some dystopian dream. By the end of this program, you will be able to pull your withered frame out of bed, stand in front of your bathroom mirror, look yourself right in the under-eye circles, and say, “I guess this is America now.”
Get going each morning by poking at a bowl of cold cereal that you can no longer taste, and wash it down with day-old coffee, which now seems ill-advised considering the panic attack that you are in the throws of at all times. That’s the stuff!
Next, kick your fitness regimen into high gear by reluctantly turning on the radio, and with every news story, you will flex, cringe, and clench away years of stored fat.
Then take it down a notch by putting your pajamas back on, because you aren’t fucking going anywhere! This world is closer to extermination than ever and you’re gonna ride this mother out trembling away the calories from the comfort of your couch, like a true champion.
As the pounds fall away, you will replace them with core nutrients in approved supplements delivered straight to your door, like Xanax, Klonopin, and shelf vodka. Doctors usually advise against mixing these, but in this case, the medical community is unanimous that we get a pass.
So, try the new Apocalypse Diet today because being scrawny will help us all hide better in the woods when the time comes!