America is divided. The election is over, and people are fighting in the streets, at work, on social media, at home. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have all stepped forward to ask the American people to unite – to join together for the betterment of the country. The problem is that there is just so much hate and anger out there. It seems impossible at this point, so, to start small, we just need to find the things we can all hate together.
Matthew McConaughey as a Product Spokesperson
Just because you say it slowly doesn’t mean we’re going to buy everything, Matt. Learn from Ivanka with the dress and the bracelet. Subtlety and discernment is the name of the game, man.
Realizing You’re Martin Shkreli
That would be truly horrifying and something I hope never happens to you.
They don’t have to deal with any of this – except the ones who voted in Chicago. They’re partially responsible for this, but that just means we get to hate them twice!
Talks of a Van Halen Comeback
We all know Van Halen was great back when they were together, but do you really think it’s going to happen, guys? Do you think David Lee Roth is suddenly going to be a team player?
Like we all have the time to sit and watch spoiled celebrities tweet insults back and forth at each other! (We secretly love this. Please continue. It takes our minds off of the really bad situations, like what’s happening right now.)
When the Hell’s Angels Killed Meredith Hunter at That Free Rolling Stones Concert in 1969
So tragic. On a side note, The Donald, please don’t hire the Hell’s Angels to beef up your security.
Those things are crazy! You never know what they’re going to do, and then, when you least expect it, one turns into Rudy Giuliani and begs to be Secretary of State!
When KFC Closes
Where am I supposed to get fried chicken now, huh? Kroger? Yeah right! No thank you. I will not settle! Man, now I know how the Bernie Bros. felt.
When Glenn Died
If you don’t know already, I won’t elaborate, but if you do know, then you really, really know.
That We Had to Endure an Election That Caused This Kind of Grief and Requires This Much Healing
Let’s do better in 2020, please.