LONDON – First Tolberone changes its shape and now this. As the British government continues to work toward exiting the European Union in the wake of its historic referendum, candy entrepreneur Willy Wonka has come forward to say he is no longer sure he will be able to keep his world-famous chocolate factory open amidst the new challenges Brexit may bring.
“They’re talking about closing off the borders. Well, I need to get my product across those borders,” Wonka explained, his normally endearing eccentricity taking on a more panicked demeanor. “I have a literal waterfall of chocolate, England can’t consume all of that on her own!”
Closed borders would also affect Wonka’s labor force, which consists entirely of immigrants from Loompaland. The practice has been widely criticized for taking jobs away from native citizens, though Wonka counters it helps keeps the price of his candies low, and they are also really good singers and dancers.
Changes in international politics also have Wonka worried about the economy and overall financial stability. “I thought Brexit was going to be rough to deal with, but now Trump is in charge in America? There isn’t enough whimsy in the world that can help the factory at this point.”
Mr. Wonka then muttered something about coming or going before getting on his boat and taking off into the tunnel on his chocolate river. “Good day, sir,” he said as a single tear fell down his face. “I said…good day.”