I Didn’t Know All You Had to Do to Scare People Was Be a Clown

Donald Trump Screaming

As a professional monster, I take pride in my appearance. I make sure my nails are free of dirt and the splattered blood on my fitted suit is fresh, all in the hopes of coming home from a hard night at work safe in the knowledge that I’ve struck fear into a handful of hearts. Three hearts, to be exact. I’ve measured.

Imagine my surprise to wake up one night to find that the source of a nation’s collective traumatization is a clown. A single being has paralyzed millions with a fear that I couldn’t inflict in my wildest nightmares, all by virtue of being a simple clown.

Needless to say, I’m a bit upset. Here we are in the scariest part of the year, the part where it’s my time to shine, and I’m being upstaged by a second-rate circus character. All my effort for nothing.

I would have never paid so much money to maintain my professionally tousled hairstyle if I had known people would cower at the sight of a cheap wig.

I wouldn’t have spent so much time before work grooming in front of my special monster-reflecting mirror if I had known that the most efficient way to meet my chaos quota was to hide my long, angular snout with uneven face paint and a red nose.

I wouldn’t have taken twelve weeks of stomping lessons, perfecting my imposing gait until my footsteps could be heard from six blocks away, if I had known what people find most creepy is shuffling in circles and disrespecting personal space.

I wouldn’t have kept my claws sharply manicured, nor would I have paid the “extra fingers surcharge,” if I had known it was a pair of regular hands that would send people running. Smaller than regular, maybe.

I wouldn’t have gone to the tattoo parlor and had these bolts installed in my head if I had known the scariest headgear was a red embroidered hat with a nonsensical slogan.

This is not the scaring I grew up with. This is not the horror I know and love.

Perhaps one day a gruesome creature will rise up from the trenches, maybe from a television show, to truly make America scary again. We can only hope. Until then, I have no choice but to go along with the trend.

Do you know where I can buy a flag pin?



Rarlock Warner

Author: Rarlock Warner

Rarlock Warner is a freelance scarer with 17 years of experience. Previously, he served as a consultant at The Sinistor Group, where he developed creative chaos solutions for clients such as ExxonMorbid, Beast Buy, and Wells Fargo. When he's not chasing children through the woods, Mr. Warner enjoys slam poetry and surfing.

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