Ask Me About the All-New Apocalypse Diet!
Nov30

Ask Me About the All-New Apocalypse Diet!

If you’ve tried the South Beach and Paleo diets, only to be let down, then get ready for the fitness craze sweeping depressed homes across the nation – the all-new Apocalypse Diet! The Apocalypse Diet guarantees weight loss and decreased muscle tone, and all you have to do is continue to listen to the radio and watch the news. How does it work, you might ask? The Apocalypse Diet literally replaces your appetite with nausea and...

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Professional Scuba Diver Drowning in Work
Nov29

Professional Scuba Diver Drowning in Work

MIAMI – With winter tourist season upon us again, professional scuba diver Janice Corrigan has found herself struggling to keep her head afloat. “It’s been brutal,” she gasped. “I can’t seem to catch my breath.” The biggest problem seems to be the pressure associated with the job – a pressure so great that Corrigan confesses she “feels it in my chest. Sometimes in my head, too.” She then added, “it’s like I’m getting...

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There Are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate
Nov28

There Are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate

America is divided. The election is over, and people are fighting in the streets, at work, on social media, at home. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have all stepped forward to ask the American people to unite – to join together for the betterment of the country. The problem is that there is just so much hate and anger out there. It seems impossible at this point, so, to start small, we just need to find the...

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What Would Thucydides Have Thought of Donald Trump?
Nov27

What Would Thucydides Have Thought of Donald Trump?

What a strange man! What hair! How old did you say he was? That is remarkable. I myself had died at 65 and here he is, 70, taking on leadership of such a large nation-state? He expects to live another eight years in power? Really? He should, I don’t know, jog or something? He is a remarkably old, old, man and his skin has unhealthy pallor for a leader. Has he been eating an all-carrot diet? This castle he has constructed in this...

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‘Game of Thrones’ Episode 11: Battle of the Black Friday
Nov25

‘Game of Thrones’ Episode 11: Battle of the Black Friday

The night is dark and full of terrors, but leading the 5 a.m. Macy’s line on Black Friday is a fear unimaginable, with a fate worse than Hodor’s. Let’s see what each GoT character wants to snag before winter comes. Cercei Lannister: 50% Off Plywood At Lowe’s Dearest Cersei lost all three children, took down religion, and blew up the center of Westeros. She is going to need all the wood Lowe’s has to offer to successfully...

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