How to Order Coffee Like the Royalty You Are!

Ordering at Coffee Shop

Credit: The Coffee Bean

  • Even though you can afford $2.57 for a coffee, complain about the price. Baristas have the power to offer discounts when waiting on kings and queens.
  • Remember to keep as far away as possible from the drive-thru window so the servant – sorry – barista won’t get their hands even close to scratching your chariot/red Subaru Outback.
  • It is perfectly acceptable to get offended when the barista doesn’t know what “The Usual” is. How dare they not know the drink of such a prestigious regular!
  • The only lines a royal figure such as yourself should be dealing with are the lines you have to sign on the receipt.
  • Your time is more valuable than anyone else’s; after all, you’ve got a kingdom full of two kids and a dog to run. Make sure the barista knows this so your drink can come out even faster.
  • It’s always polite to tip, but make sure the barista knows “keep the change” means exactly that – just the six cents of the $4.06 you got back and not any paper currency of any kind.
  • Remember, royalty has the power to terminate a person. This will come in handy when writing a formal note, sealing it with your family crest, and slipping it in the complaint box before your royal child rings the Exceptional Service Bell as you exit.


Hunter Mruz

Author: Hunter Mruz

Hunter Mruz is a student at the Johnny Carson School of Theatre and Film at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. He loves acting and writing and is the troupe leader of UNL's improv troupe, Lazzi. Follow him on Twitter @huntfobooty.

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