11 Debate-Related Stories That Didn’t Make the Weekend Paper

Donald Trump Debate Face

1. Donald Trump visits premier Long Island pumpkin patch in effort to lay low and blend in with the crowd before debate

2. Rudy Giuliani bites head off of bat in pre-debate rally

3. Bernie Sanders given 1% milk in coffee, delivers right hook to barista’s throat

4. Ben Carson hoping to be awake for late debate start, but won’t guarantee it

5. Rudy Giuliani ritualistically cuts off head of goat in effort to bring Trump good juju

6. Hillary Clinton receives zero “good luck” emails to date, but thousands of “good luck” cards

7. Rookie security officer forced to tell John Kasich to leave backstage

8. Chris Christie recovering from failed trust fall attempt with Donald Trump

9. Rudy Giuliani pledges first-born son to Satan in exchange for positive results on Monday

10. Mitt Romney caught installing zip line designed to catapult Gary Johnson onto debate stage

11. Jeb Bush still eagerly awaiting first reply to debate watch party invitation sent three months ago

 

 




Mike Brian

Author: Mike Brian

Mike Brian is a comedy writer and performer based in New York City. Follow some of his shenanigans on Twitter @themikebrian and at mikebriancomedy.com.

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