Ted Cruz, the moldy hot dog Kramer ate at the Allen Theatre in Seinfeld, made a wonderful miscalculation last Friday by finally publicly endorsing Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, which followed a very public refusal to do so at the Republican National Convention. After enduring several savage personal attacks from Trump against his wife, his father and himself, Cruz let bygones be bygones because he “promised to support the Republican nominee,” which is a promise he made back when he figured he’d be the one sliming his way to the White House.
And obviously, Cruz endorsed Trump to help set up his own 2020 presidential bid, which will no doubt be another colossal failure.
But by endorsing Trump, Cruz has drawn the ire of the only group of people who didn’t already find him repugnant: (some) old white people. By totally backtracking on his supposed values, Cruz not only effectively admits that his father definitely had a role in JFK’s assassination, but he has set himself up for an incredible uphill battle in 2020. Endorsing Trump offers no value. If he wins, it’s a foregone conclusion that a Trump presidency would be devastating beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. And if Trump loses, Cruz sold whatever was left of his soul to the very guy who will leave the Republican party in ruins. Cruz could have easily taken advantage of the situation with a “See? I didn’t vote for the guy” campaign, but in my deep analysis of the man’s policies and overall character, I have determined that Cruz is just a shithead.
But I don’t care about that. I care about the fact that Cruz is already making such major maneuver failures that I’m nervous he’ll dig himself so deep that he’ll decide against running in 2020.
Just think of all the things we might miss out on. The internet might never force him to hold a press conference denying – unconvincingly – that he is the Zodiac killer. We might never find out what’s hiding under that skin suit. We wouldn’t learn what heinous new viewpoints he has on the world at that time. No more weird flop sweat that appears to be melting his face or lip boogers that come out of nowhere during debates! No more new conspiracies to unearth; was he Jack the Ripper, too? We need to know!
If Ted Cruz fades into the background and spends the rest of his political life toiling away in the Senate, it will be a disservice to all Americans. I can’t have it. I won’t have it. Lucky for us, Cruz’s detachment from reality is nearly as strong as Trump’s, so there’s likely nothing that will stop this maniac from embarrassing himself on the national stage once again.
The next four years can’t come soon enough.