LOS ANGELES – As the entire sports world chimes in on San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to not stand during the national anthem as a form of protest, football analysts everywhere are desperate to find an unused controversial take that will get coverage.
“I saw that Rodney Harrison said Kaepernick isn’t black,” said ESPN NFL analyst Trent Dilfer. “But I’m going to take it one step further. I don’t even think Kaepernick is real. I think he’s a figment of our society’s collective imagination.”
According to a leaked memo from the seldom-seen channel Fox Sports 1, anchors and analysts were given a list of potential opinions on Kaepernick yet to be utilized in sports media, including the fact that he’s “a Hillary Clinton plant” and “the NFL is just a front for the New World Order.”
“It’s important to make headlines no matter what you say,” said FS1 president Tom Shalling. “If that means dressing up like a giant baby on air and crying that Kaepernick is a wizard who turned you into this and also hates America, so be it.”