So You Hate Your New College Roommate: An FAQ

College Roommate

My new roommate is the worst. How am I going to survive this school year?

Dealing with an annoying roommate can be rough. But it’s important to remember that he is another human being dealing with his own issues that you may not be aware of.

You mean I need to work on empathizing with him?

Oh heavens no. You need to learn what those issues are and exploit them.

Wait, what?

Example: Perhaps he comes from a troubled household and his parents suffered from drug addiction. You could make a point to display photos of you and your family on vacation to remind your roommate of the parental love they never received.

That sounds like terrible advice.

Look, you came to me. Beggars can’t be choosers.

Do you have any other advice that doesn’t involve mental abuse?

OH MY GOD fine. You can always set them on fire.

That’s just as terrible!

You said you didn’t want mental abuse! This is physical abuse! It’s totally different!

I don’t want to burn them alive, I just want them to stop being annoying.

Let me ask you this. What annoys you about him?

His voice is really nasally and he never turn off the lights.

Oh wow! They are like the second coming of Hitler! No wonder you’re so upset!

You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?

No for real. Your roommate sounds like if Osama Bin Laden and Bill Cosby had a baby and then that baby got switched with the even more evil version of it from a parallel dimension.

So you aren’t actually going to help me, are you?

Look, you’re in college now. You are on the verge of adulthood and very close with having to deal with the real world. And sometimes that means you have to deal with people you don’t care for, who have opinions you don’t agree or interests you think are stupid. You can’t just avoid any and all irritating situations. You have to put on your big kid pants and fucking deal.

I… that actually makes sense. Thanks, I guess.

You got it. Anything else?

Well, my roommate just said he is voting for Trump.

Okay, forget everything I just said and punch him in the face.

 

 




Tim Gaydos

Author: Tim Gaydos

Tim is a contributor for Robot Butt and is not hosting a parasitic xenomorph inside him, so just don't worry about it, ok? You can disagree with his opinions on Twitter @timthinksthings.

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