6 Ways to Pretend You Still Care About the Olympics

Usain Bolt Rio Olympics

You marched around your living room during the Parade of Nations, you cried along with Ryan Held, but after days of nonstop coverage, the fatigue is setting in. You’re having a hard time maintaining enthusiasm, but there’s still so much left! Golf! Sailing! Equestrian! Sure, a week is a long time to feign excitement about tiny men riding horses, but if the horses can do it, so can you! Use this handy guide to help you keep up the illusion of support. Team USA depends on it!

1. Blow Up Social Media!

The most important way to show sincere solidarity is social media! Snapchat the medal ceremonies (with the medal count overlay, of course)! Caption your daily car selfie with Olympic #MotivationalQuotes! And just to be safe, make a Facebook post of support every time Team USA steps up to compete. The passive-aggressive complaints from distant cousins and former classmates will make you indignant enough to live-tweet the badminton finals purely out of spite.

2. Keep Wearing Your Red, White and Blue!

Apart from social media, there’s no greater way to show you care for our country than with your wardrobe. After all, if it weren’t for patriotic accessorizing, how would we know which presidential candidates love America more? Make sure that everyone still knows whose side you’re on by wearing Team USA’s colors to work every day. Sure, it may mean wearing things several days in a row, but if your boss tells you that you stink, tell her she has no idea what it means to be an athlete.

3. Find the Fun!

When the rowing events start blurring together into a murky mental Rio-water mess, shake the monotony by making your own fun! Play “Guess What Color the Pool Will Be Today!” Add your own sound effects to the weightlifting events! See if you can hold your breath as long as the synchronized swimmers! The adrenaline rush should be enough to prevent a loss of consciousness from oxygen deprivation and/or boredom.

4. Can’t Find the Fun by Yourself? Throw an Olympics Watch Party!

You can’t pull this off alone! Like the embattled swimmer in the last leg of yet another relay, you draw your strength from the teammates who are even more tired than you are. Plus, what better way to celebrate today, the final day of the Olympics, than – oh my God, how many days are left? Are you kidding me? How many different ways are there to cross a body of water? Where’s the alcohol?

5. Pass the Bottle Over Here!

When all else fails, a surefire way to get excited about rhythmic gymnastics is to partake in the only thing we love more than asserting our superiority at the global stage: the drinking game! Drink if a gymnast uses that ribbon! Two drinks if she drops it! Down that glass when an announcer makes an insensitive comment! Don’t let up until your TV’s spinning so much that the gymnasts look like they aren’t.

6. Remember: It’s Not a Spring, It’s a Marathon!

Pretending to care about Rio from start to finish is not for the faint of heart. The Olympic marathon is just as challenging for the spectator as it is for the competitor. It takes discipline, determination, and maybe 26.2 ounces of coconut rum to push through every mile. And just like those marathoners, if at the end of the race you stumble or pass out or throw up down the front of your shirt, it’s okay. You finished the race, and you finished it for your country. USA! USA! USA!

 

 




Melanie Angel

Author: Melanie Angel

Melanie Angel is a writer in Austin, Texas. She has studied late-night television and satirical writing with The Second City. When she's not writing about politics, she's livetweeting game show reruns @weakenedupdate.

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