Leaked Menu From a Secret Dinner Before the 2016 Republican National Convention

RNC 2016

Dinner will be served in five stages.

Tomato Basil Soup

A rustic starter made with American-grown tomatoes and fresh basil.

Wine: 2010 Dinette Sauvignon Blanc


Caesar Salad

A traditional version of the salad that shares its name with a bombastic man in a bad haircut taken down by his fellow politicians.

Wine: While many agree that white wine pairs best with this salad, a small but vocal minority insists otherwise. It would have been easy to compromise with a sensible rosé, but it has instead been decided to serve orange wine. Orange wine.


Roasted Salmon on Asparagus

A tender salmon filet brightened with lemon and served on crisp asparagus.

Wine: Look, we don’t even know anymore. We’ll just trot out everything we have, and you can take whatever. Anything you want. Anything but that orange wine.


Steak and Potatoes

A buttery bed of creamy mashed potatoes balances the undertones of this Certified Angus Beef that’s been sitting in a Sharper Image warehouse since 2007. This is what you’ve chosen.

Wine: Bottle of Jack Daniels



A decadent slice of chocolate cake topped with almonds.

Upon request, a nut-free option may still be available. We encourage you to consider it. Please.



Melanie Angel

Author: Melanie Angel

Melanie Angel is a writer in Austin, Texas. She has studied late-night television and satirical writing with The Second City. When she's not writing about politics, she's livetweeting game show reruns @weakenedupdate.

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