Scenes From NRAmerica

Old Woman Holding Her Gun

[On the way to the nightclub]

WOMAN: Hey, you look great. Where are you going?

ROOMMATE: To the club. You’re sure I look okay?

WOMAN: Terrific.

ROOMMATE: These shoes are alright?

WOMAN: Perfect.

ROOMMATE: What about this gun? Does it make me look fat?

WOMAN: No, but now that you mention it, don’t you think an ankle holster would look better?

ROOMMATE: I do, but I want to dance.

WOMAN: You can’t dance with an ankle holster?

ROOMMATE: I mean, I can. But it throws my game off.

WOMAN: Which club are you going to?

ROOMMATE: Biarritz.

WOMAN: Oh, then you don’t even need that much gun there. Everyone will be carrying, so if there’s any trouble with bad guys, you’ll have lots of good guy backup.

ROOMMATE: True. Can I borrow your Walther?

WOMAN: Sure. And check out the cute little holster I got. Talk about slimming! And it matches your blouse perfectly!


[At the library]

MAN: (Whispers) Hi there, I was wondering if I could get a library card.

LIBRARIAN: Certainly. Oh, is that a gun on your hip?

MAN: Yes, ma’am, it is. I have a right to wear it wherever I want.

LIBRARIAN: Yes, I know. It’s not that you can’t bring a gun in the library. But we do have a rule about keeping it quiet in here.

MAN: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. My bad. Let me go out in the truck and get my silencer.

LIBRARIAN: Thank you for understanding. As for the card, we need two forms of ID, and there’s a two-day waiting period while we run a check with Homeland Security.


[At church]

MAN:  Thanks for seeing me, pastor. I’m a true believer, but since I’m new to your church, there’s one thing I’m confused about. I’ve visited, but what’s the best kind of gun to bring to church?

PASTOR: Happy to help. A lot of people are going with the Springfield XD. It’s small, lightweight, pretty dependable. Put one of those on your hip and you won’t need to worry about turning the other cheek. My wife has one.

MAN: Cool. What else do you recommend?

PASTOR:  Well, the Glock is a little bigger and more cumbersome if you’re totin’ a Bible, too, but since we put a Bible verse on the PowerPoint every week, that’s not so much an issue. Hard to get much accuracy with the Glock beyond short range, but boy, I tell ya, if a certain fella was carrying one on the road to Jerusalem, the parable of the Good Samaritan would look quite a bit different, let me tell you. Sometimes the best way to love thy neighbor is to defend their life and property.

MAN: Amen.

PASTOR: Now, if you want something really slick and money’s not an issue, you might like an Israeli Tavor TAR-21. Blessed are the peacemakers indeed, if you know what I’m saying. It’s what our security team uses. We face a terrorist attack from some of them religious fundamentalists, you can drop ‘em from 100 yards with one of these, easy. They won’t have a prayer. It’s good for protection but it’s also fun to bring it to fellowship outings.

MAN: Okay, that’s very helpful. One more thing, what do you use?

PASTOR: I never climb into the pulpit without a Smith & Wesson 9 mm at my side, a “Baby Glock 26” strapped to my ankle, and an AK-47 with a bayonet behind the lectern. I want to be a good steward of my God-given rights to bear arms.

Tom Shadwell

Author: Tom Shadwell

Tom Shadwell is humor writer who lives in small-town Indiana, which doesn't offer much in the way of night life (or daily life) but that does provide him with such an abundance of material that the comedy sometimes writes itself. This means that he is apt to take on such topics as Confederate flags, guns in church, and Republican notions of gardening.Tom hasn't always lived in Indiana; he has degrees in literature from two state universities (one of which is among "America's best values"), and he has studied satire, improv and sketch writing at The Second City in Chicago. His stuff has appeared on Robot Butt and The Second City Network. Say what you will about Tom, but the man does the best he can with what he's got.

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