I Read an Article on Quantum Physics and Now I’m an Expert, Guys

Man Reading on Computer

One of my favorite coffee brewing methods is the siphon method. We’ve been doing it at this coffee shop for a while now. Two glass beakers extract the coffee through a vacuum. It makes me feel like I’m a scientist. I don’t know if I’d consider myself amongst the ranks of scientists, but I did read an article on quantum physics once. Do you know anything about quantum physics? You don’t. Let me fill you in. It’s kind of complicated, so if you need me to stop, I’ll slow down. It’s not easy stuff to grasp. If we are being honest, I read the article twice. Even for me, it was a challenge.

So you know about atoms, right? What about quarks? Those are smaller than atoms. There are all different kinds of quarks. There’s the up quark, down quark, top quark, bottom quark, charm quark, and one more. What is the last one? I’m sure it will come to me. The quark had its picture right in the article. Anyway, it’s called a charm quark because the other quarks don’t need it, but wins the others over with personality. What do quarks do? According to the article, we don’t know what they do. They just are. We could get into leptons and midichlorians too, but I don’t want to bore you!

Did you know there is a probability that you have Jesus in you right now? Not spiritually, but molecularly a little Jesus is possibly in you! We were made from stars. Molecules move all over the universe. They can even be in two different places at the same time. Jesus is probably in me now. It’s called the God particle.

You’re probably wondering what this means for time travel. I mean it’s fine if you weren’t wondering about time travel. I have a lot of opinions on time travel. Yes, my own opinions. I didn’t just memorize what the article was saying. Anyway, I consider my theory on time travel somewhat controversial. I extracted it from the raw data in the article. For instance, I really stand behind the Bohm interpretation, but it’s hard because I consider Stephen Hawking a personal hero. I love his book The Theory of Everything. In the end, it all goes back to what Einstein said: “God doesn’t exist.”

It’s refreshing to know more about our universe. You should really try reading this article. What’s it called? I’ll have to look it up. I got so caught up in all of the physics I forgot the title! It wasn’t from Wikipedia. If you need any help at all, don’t hesitate to come back to the shop. It’s tough stuff.

Anyway, here’s your coffee.

Oh wait, I got it!

Strange quark! That’s the last one. I put a few extra strange quarks in your coffee.



Ryan Walker

Author: Ryan Walker

Ryan Walker is a comedian and musician from Youngstown, Ohio. He is not related to Chuck Norris or any other Texas Ranger. Check him out on Twitter @mr_ryanwalker and read more of his work at www.imryanwalker.com.

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