2016 CDC Summer Safety Recommendations

CDC Chief Dr. Thomas Frieden

Due to rising temperatures, combined with humanity finally coming to an end in a dark, festering pit of despair, the CDC recommends keeping all family members in separate rooms for the full duration of the summer.

Exposure to social media, television, or traditional print media should be expressly avoided during this time, as doing so may result in agitation over one or more following:

  • Guns
  • Not enough guns
  • Gorillas
  • Not enough gorillas
  • Swimmers
  • Rapists
  • Swimming rapists
  • The Constitution (and related memes)
  • Women
  • People who aren’t women but know exactly what women should do
  • Bathrooms (and the genitalia that inhabit them)
  • “The Gays”
  • Brown people
  • Every single thing that has ever had to do with any religion ever
  • And finally, sentient Cheetos running for president

As always, take additional care with the elderly, who are more susceptible to social media-related injury and still don’t quite understand how Facebook works. The CDC also recommends using extra caution with younger family members, as they are still pretty messed up about Bernie.

 

 




Sara Given

Author: Sara Given

Sara Given is the creator of the popular Tumblr blog, It's Like They Know Us and author of the book, 'Parenting is Easy: You’re Probably Just Doing It Wrong.' Growing up, she was often told, "No one is ever going to pay you to goof around."

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