Time Traveler Report 2096: Humans, Not Vengeful Apes, Responsible for Planet’s Destruction

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HOUSTON – Returning from his first mission to 2096, Acromion Labs’ time-traveling researcher Bucky Tropin shocked the world today when he announced at his press conference that the eventual destruction of society was not caused by an uprising of apes, despite the predictions of several films and scientific models.

Much of the general public firmly believes Earth will have undergone the rise, dawn and war of the apes by this time, presumably a result of the blockbuster hit series, Planet of the Apes. However, upon Tropin’s return from the future, he settled public concerns in a briefing.

“Earth’s future degeneration and mass extinctions are strictly due to heavy fracking and climate change,” he announced to the assembly’s great relief. “The world will have experienced a serious increase in oceanic levels by 2096 and seismic shifts from drilling, so there’s really no reason to panic over talking gorillas.”

Although a brief mention later on of  “a rugged individual who did bear some resemblance to Charlton Heston” caused some hysteria among the crowd, Tropin reassured the audience, saying, “I didn’t meet any ape named Caesar that was leading a rebellion against man. We can cross that one off the list. It appears man will instead be facing off against the rapidly melting ice caps. Though I believe we will far better understand our situation following the next Apes sequel slated for 2017.”

Other scientists eagerly asked about their alternative theories, such as massive asteroids decimating the planet, zombie outbreaks, or being enslaved by aliens. “Nope,” Tropin responded. “It’s pretty much just us.”

At press time, scientists have put a halt to other activities, including training rag tag teams of drillers for space combat, and pinpointing weaknesses of imagined alien craft.



Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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