Merrick Garland Sitting Alone in Dimly Lit Capitol Waiting Room for 101st Straight Day
Jun30

Merrick Garland Sitting Alone in Dimly Lit Capitol Waiting Room for 101st Straight Day

WASHINGTON – As his Supreme Court nomination continues to be used as a weapon of political warfare, Merrick Garland spent his 101st straight day in a dark, underground Capitol Building waiting room Thursday, the only light emanating from a dusty window far above the U.S Appeals Court judge’s reach. “I know this is a major decision, so I don’t mind waiting,” Garland said, his now-gaunt frame barely holding...

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Mom Makes This the Summer to Remember With Beach-Themed Soap
Jun29

Mom Makes This the Summer to Remember With Beach-Themed Soap

TRENTON, N.J. – Summer is finally here, and Americans everywhere are diving into their favorite seasonal rituals. New Jersey mom Teresa Doyle, 49, is among those who are thrilled for long days and warm weather, and she in particular knows how to give this summer a truly righteous legacy. Her epic summertime kick off? Integrating beach-themed soap in her house bathrooms. Killer! Walk, skate or surf into any of Doyle’s...

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I Read an Article on Quantum Physics and Now I’m an Expert, Guys
Jun28

I Read an Article on Quantum Physics and Now I’m an Expert, Guys

One of my favorite coffee brewing methods is the siphon method. We’ve been doing it at this coffee shop for a while now. Two glass beakers extract the coffee through a vacuum. It makes me feel like I’m a scientist. I don’t know if I’d consider myself amongst the ranks of scientists, but I did read an article on quantum physics once. Do you know anything about quantum physics? You don’t. Let me fill you in. It’s kind of complicated, so...

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Woman Realizes Flip-Flops Were on Top of Head Entire Time
Jun27

Woman Realizes Flip-Flops Were on Top of Head Entire Time

CHICAGO – With the hot, sunny days upon us, people across the nation are packing their tote bags and cruising on down to the beach. However, Chicago resident Connie Brenmar missed out on the summer fun earlier this month while looking for her flip-flops all afternoon. The search reportedly came to an end around midnight when Brenmar discovered the pair of sandals had been resting on top of her head. “I should have just looked...

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George R.R. Martin to Begin Killing Off Audience
Jun27

George R.R. Martin to Begin Killing Off Audience

SANTA FE – Game of Thrones is well known for killing characters and keeping its audience on their toes. But series author George R.R. Martin intends to shake things up even further by announcing that he will begin killing off members of the audience as well. “I’m always looking to upend tropes,” Martin explained with a psychotic gleam in his eye. “And I can think of none greater than that of the audience being a passive party....

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