Cicada Teen Ready to Escape Home of Tragically Unhip Family

Cicada Teenager

EASTLAKE, Ohio – Like generations of teenagers before her, Sara, a 17-year-old cicada from Ohio, literally can’t when it comes to her family.

“It’s like they’ve been under a rock for almost two decades,” Sara said, her eyes beady and red with disgust. “I swear they only leave the house like once every 17 years.”

When asked for specifics, Sara described them as technologically incompetent, unable to use browsers beyond Internet Explorer 5. “They still talk about Y2K as if it could happen, like, next year or something,” Sara added. “Also, they still religiously watch Ally McBeal.”

Sara is looking forward to the freedoms her first summer break has to offer, such as congregating on porches with her friends, relaxing in her favorite tree, meeting a nice cicada mate of her own and having more time to focus on eating more plant-based foods now that she’s decided to become a vegetarian.

But when it comes to living with her family, Sara says, “If I have to stay with them one more summer, I’ll literally turn into a shell of who I used to be.”



Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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