Cicada Teen Ready to Escape Home of Tragically Unhip Family
May31

Cicada Teen Ready to Escape Home of Tragically Unhip Family

EASTLAKE, Ohio – Like generations of teenagers before her, Sara, a 17-year-old cicada from Ohio, literally can’t when it comes to her family. “It’s like they’ve been under a rock for almost two decades,” Sara said, her eyes beady and red with disgust. “I swear they only leave the house like once every 17 years.” When asked for specifics, Sara described them as technologically incompetent, unable to use browsers beyond...

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Aging Graphic Designer Applies to Startup With All-Emoji Resume
May27

Aging Graphic Designer Applies to Startup With All-Emoji Resume

SAN FRANCISCO – According to reports, 47-year-old graphic designer Wilferd Gilliam is feeling pretty confident about his chances as he applies to hot new startup App-ropos, going the extra mile by submitting a resume comprised of nothing but emojis. “I figured, why just tell them I am in tune with the hip new trends of the day, when I can show them?” Gilliam explained, as sweat stains grew under his armpits. Gilliam said he...

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Hillary Clinton is Still Hot for My Flavor
May26

Hillary Clinton is Still Hot for My Flavor

A few months ago, I wrote that Hillary Clinton was pulling out all the stops in her campaign by trying to seduce me. If you thought she would let up because she locked up the Democratic nomination over Bernie Sanders, you’d be dead wrong. Of course she’s still sending me desperate, flirtatious emails. As usual, they’ve been ranging from what appear to be innocent declarations of love to angry outbursts to attempts at...

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20 Essential Memorial Day Activities
May25

20 Essential Memorial Day Activities

Are you always left wondering if you’ve celebrated Memorial Day like a True American™? When you’re watching that Memorial Day parade or barbecuing on the porch with family and friends, do you always think there is more you could be doing to honor our servicemen and women? Well guess what? There is! But you’re in luck, because we’ve put together twenty essential Memorial Day activities that will take your...

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Donald Trump, Who Doesn’t Endorse Guns in Classrooms, Endorses Guns in Classrooms
May24

Donald Trump, Who Doesn’t Endorse Guns in Classrooms, Endorses Guns in Classrooms

At this point, literally nothing the sentient sack of moldy, bug-infested potatoes named Donald Trump says or does will matter to the people who plan to vote for him to become president come November. Take Trump’s stance on guns in the classroom, for instance. Here is how he responded to a question on Fox & Friends about guns being allowed in classrooms (via The Wall Street Journal); as is the case with everything Trump...

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