People love fawning over babies like they’re the greatest thing in the world, but they’re not. It’s not even close.
Ask yourself: When has a baby ever done something cool like hit a home run or tell a hilarious joke? Never! Even more baffling is that babies can’t even perform basic functions that adults do each and every day. I’m supposed to cheer when a baby spouts gibberish and is barely able to stand on its own two legs? Please.
It’s time we gain the upper hand against those wiggling little soft-skulled menaces. So when you’re inevitably face-to-face with a baby who is getting all of the attention, follow these five methods for proving your superiority and gaining back your power over these troublesome meat sacks:
1. Hold Up Your Own Head
A baby’s neck is weak as hell! When you notice a friend holding a newborn baby, unable to hold a drink because he/she has to cradle the infant ever-so-carefully to prop up the head, get right in their face and whip your head in every direction. Nod up and down, side to side, basically any which way you want. Then crack open a beer and shotgun it right in front of that person stuck holding a baby like he/she is going to break apart at any second.
2. Speak Words
These baby-loving imbeciles realize billions of people talk all the time, right? And if it’s so easy, why can’t a baby even string together ONE coherent thought? Gather everyone into a circle and publicly call out the baby in the room, challenging it to a debate about America’s foreign policy. Or hell, take it to the baby’s level and demand that you each describe what you love most about num-nums in just one word. That baby will freeze up as you spit endlessly about your beloved num-nums.
3. Go a Full Day Without Pooping Your Pants
I’ll admit, this one is harder than it looks. But here’s the crazy thing: a baby can’t even go a few HOURS without shitting in his/her drawers. And somehow, adults praise them for it! Retain your superiority by reminding everyone you know that you don’t make them wipe your butt when you make an accident because you don’t have any in the first place. And even if you do accidentally poop your pants, you have the decency to take care of it yourself.
4. Figure Out EXACTLY Where Mommy is Hiding During Peek-a-Boo
You’ll nail it so fast, that baby’s head will spin (if it could even hold it up in the first place).
5. Paint a Beautiful Picture of the World By Simply Eating
Simple airplane noises and the choo-choo of the train are such tired concepts for convincing oneself to eat a spoonful of food. And yet, babies everywhere keep delighting in these tropes. Show off the power of your advanced mind at a dinner party by building a rich and colorful universe with your food. That spoonful of mashed potatoes isn’t just some nondescript airplane – it’s Charles Lindbergh soaring above the Atlantic in the single-engine Spirit of St. Louis, capturing the world’s attention and imagination as he embarks on the world’s first solo transatlantic flight, forever changing the way we would look at air travel. The flavor of your food will explode as you delight those around you with an inspiring tale of humanity testing its limits in order to conquer new frontiers!