I Have Serious Doubts That Any Candidate Can Deliver on Turning Me Into RoboCop


I consider myself a moderate and a pragmatist when it comes to politics. I’m not a member of any party. My vote is here to be won.

So why has nobody even tried to appeal to my deep-seated wish to be RoboCop?

How can you say you’re “tough on crime” if you’re not sending forth previously untested cyborg prototypes onto the streets of Detroit? And you would think that with all of our military spending, some bright spark would have thought, “You know what would be better than meat-soldiers? Metal ones!” It’s a no-brainer.

Although I would prefer to be a police officer, if just one politician would offer to furnish me with a robotic exoskeleton, I would join not only the army but also the ranks of their voters. It’s so important to me it wouldn’t matter what their other policies were – televised executions, compulsory birth control for the poor, gay marriage annulment, increased gun control. All I want is to have a body capable of deflecting bullets, and a special compartment in my leg in which to keep my gun after I take out a bad guy and spin it three times on my finger. Also, a voice that is ever-so-slightly metallic as this sounds really cool and is great for one-liners after murdering people.

The worst part of it is that we don’t seem to be remotely close to a RoboCop program in this country. We don’t even have big, awful, crab-like mechanoids like the ED-209 on the streets to do a really shitty job of discriminating between violent criminals and innocent pedestrians. We only have human law enforcement to do that. I guess what I’m saying is this: Are we creating the right atmosphere for a young maverick like Bob Morton to propose a radical new way of fighting crime (Morton is the head of the team that created RoboCop. If you don’t know this, you seriously need to watch the 1987 movie RoboCop.)?

Such is the power of corporations in this country. I have little hope that a Mom-and-Pop RoboCop business would even have the platform to propose such a cost-efficient and forward-thinking scheme. I mean, come on America! Do we even care about invention, entrepreneurship, and gleaming chrome warriors delivering us from hordes of grimy psychopaths hell-bent on shooting off parts of our body in abandoned warehouses?

Sometimes I despair about where we’re headed. I guess I’ll just vote for whomever has the least-stupid haircut as usual. And as for technological progress, we’re mired, stagnant. It lifted my spirits when I heard we now had hoverboards, but whomever named those spontaneously flammable gravity-compliant planks of disappointment would be the first person I would come for if I was RoboCop.



Simon Pinkerton

Author: Simon Pinkerton

Simon Pinkerton is a humor and short fiction writer from London, England. If you’re flying in to Heathrow Airport, you’ll see his house because he lives at Heathrow Airport, in a vent next to the Panda Express. You can follow him at @simonpinkerton, and his blog at simonpinkerton.tumblr.com.

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