We’re hitting the home stretch of the primary season, which means we’re maybe halfway through this election cycle. Just seven more months to go!
While I don’t know who is going to win either party’s nomination, I do know we still have lot of bullshit to get through before this whole mess is over. Bullshit that we’d all rather not deal with. But there’s a solution! The same solution I use for all the things I don’t want to deal with: unnecessary amounts of alcohol.
And so I present to you the 2016 Primary Election Clusterfuck and Alcohol Fun Time Game! Follow these drinking rules and I guarantee the rest of the primaries will fly by, mostly because your depth perception will be compromised and everything will look blurry. Also, you’ll need a new liver. Enjoy!
- Take a drink every time a pundit says a race is “too close to call” and then continues to speculate anyway. Take two if that pundit is Chuck Todd.
- Down straight vodka from a thin flower vase every time someone says Bernie Sanders’ campaign is a long shot
- Take a drink every time Donald Trump says something awful. Actually, take a drink every time Trump says anything. You know what, just keep drinking for the fact that Trump even exists.
- Any time Ted Cruz prentends to have human emotions, return the favor by taking a swig of oil and pretend to be a robot.
- Take a shot any time the media remembers John Kasich is still in the race. Take another shot because you forgot, too.
- Drink any time Hillary Cinton brings up how tight her and President Obama are.
- Start drinking any time a cable news network cuts to an empty stage waiting for Trump to speak, and do not stop until he does.
- Take a shot of tequlia whenever the need for immigration reform is mentioned. Drink the whole bottle if that policy involves a wall.
- Take a break to weep at the state of our political discourse.
- Chug a Budweiser whenever Sanders talks about the working class.
- Chug a Bud Light whenever Clinton does the same.
- ISIS! Oh no! Take a drink for each bomb the candidate wants to drop on them.
- Trump still exists, so keep drinking!
- Finally give in, chug a quart of your uncle’s moonshine and pray you go blind.
Brokered Convention Bonus Round!
There is a very real possibility that the Republican primary could end with no candidate reaching the magic number of delegates to win the nomination outright. If that happens, they will go into a contested convention, which means we go into overtime!
- Take a shot of whiskey if anyone pulls out two pistols and fires them into the air like Yosemite Sam.
- Pick out your favorite drink. If the GOP ends up nominating someone who didn’t actually run in the primary, put it aside and let the person sitting next to you choose what you drink. It can be anything!
- If a riot breaks out, do an Irish car bomb.