7 Signs the Cave Troll You Share an Apartment With May Actually Be Human

Cave Troll

So you made the move to the big city to follow your dreams of making a name in the art/theatre/music/dance/poetry scene. You were warned to “keep an open mind” and that’s just what you did when you took a room in a cave troll’s apartment. The rent is dirt cheap (just under $900) and the surrounding neighbors are dead silent out of fear. Beyond that, you’re gaining a unique life experience living with a creature from a parallel world.

But nine months into the lease, you start noticing some oddities. The cave troll begins to show similarities to that of a human. Maybe you’re rubbing off on it? Maybe not. What if the troll you call roomie isn’t a troll at all, but instead a very, very, very filthy man?

Here are seven ways to know for sure:

Mumbles and Groans

Much like the common cave troll, your roommate talks very little when in the presence of others, including you, but once it has secluded into its dwelling, it is quite vocal. Low rumbling grunts and broken sentences damning various local businesses can be heard pouring under the door. Some possible phrases you may hear would be “Shit apples” or “Who don’t care chicken” or “Money for what me.” However, these remarks are not unlike ones you’ve heard your social-security-collecting great uncle Mark say.

Bathroom Etiquette

The cave troll marks its territory much like the common household cat. Your roommate is no different, spraying its urine on and around the toilet and one time on the sink! Human males have been known to be somewhat neglectful with urinating, so it is possible it is extremely thoughtless. However, your roommate uses toilet paper, at an alarming rate to boot; meanwhile, a cave troll isn’t known to care enough to even use toilet paper.

Living Quarters

Seldom do you have a chance to peer into this dark cavern, but one time you did, and it’s something that’ll stay with you ’til the day you die. Large bellowing piles of dark seemed to move back and forth like a swing coming to rest. Cups of liquids were ritually placed about the room and a single fan moved the stench from one corner to the other. Yet there was a bed which had a pillow, framed pictures on the wall, and one single book (Post Office by Charles Bukowski). There were signs of humanity within this cavern.

It Has a Name

For sure it is not uncommon for a troll to have a name. It’s in fact quite normal for a troll to have numerous names created by locals through hearsay and town mythology. However, these names are generally one syllable words sounding like pots falling to the ground, such as Carg, Bluck or Tonk. Your roommate’s name is Matt Wilkinson.

It Has Human Parents

They have human faces, human bodies, and they talk and act like humans. There is no doubt that the two beings your Matt refers to as “Mom” and “Dad” are indeed humans. It is possible they are extremely kind and loving people who adopted a cave troll. Perhaps on a vacation in New Zealand a cave troll pup wandered into their luggage making the trip back to the states. Upon arrival, its existence was discovered and by this point it just seemed easier to raise the troll themselves. However, you cannot overlook the facial similarities among these three, including the sloping forehead and beady eyes.

It’s Voting for Hillary Clinton

Okay, okay, okay, Matt has made it very clear that he not only cares about the presidential race, but that you should, too. In fact, you should absolutely without thought vote for Hillary Clinton. Voting for a president is one hundred percent a human quality. Voting for Hillary over a Republican nominee like Donald Trump seems even more human. This troll has also just made a big turn into human territory by coming out with a nifty “I voted” sticker on top of it.

You Cut Him Open and Can See Human Organs

Holy fuck, a Bernie Sanders vs. Hilary Clinton conversation got way out of control. In a wave of strength, Matt gouged your left eye with his paw while screaming “Fucking Hillary the answer Hillary the answer!” Pressed up against the kitchen counter you reached for anything. Finding a bread knife, you pierced the breast plate of the beast in front of you, stopping it momentarily. Sawing deep, back and forth, his chest opened. Matt’s body collapsed onto the linoleum floor, guts spilling, his last breath taken. Parts started looking familiar – nothing like the common cave troll’s black innards. This was without a doubt a human, so, unfortunately, no life experience had been gained beyond simply murdering a man.



Chris Chromak

Author: Chris Chromak

Chris Chromak is a comedian living in New York City. He has studied improv since 2012 at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and the Annoyance Theatre. He is the co-host of Next Stop: ASSSSTORIA 3000, a monthly show at Q.E.D. in Astoria, Queens and a co-creator of Your Future, a completely improvised fortune-telling ritual. He also has a dope Twitter account.

Share This Post On